Samida's Weightloss Journey

Goodness Gracious

2010-12-10T12:30:00.005-05:00

Just so I wouldn't be left out of the loop in my chat and message boards of my favorite site I rejoined Weight Watchers to see what the new program is all about.

Very interesting... FINALLY WW acknowledges that not all calories are created equal. In all fairness, that has been something that was said during meetings and in reading material, but the push toward 100 calorie snack packs, bars, and other foods really led the member in a different direction. You can still have all this junk but the points are so high on these things now that at least people might think twice before having them. Unfortunately the points are also higher for the GOOD carbs - whole grains in particular. I made a wheatberry salad on Saturday, November 27th that calculated to 6 points, and on Sunday, November 28th it calculated to 9 points. The WWer's income (points allowance) has gone up for most people, but so has the cost of living (points values)!

Anyway, that being said, I have found that because I was eating very healthfully in the first place ("core-like" "South Beach-like" etc.) not much changed for me. However, in an effort to really be part of the wave, I started weighing and measuring and journaling (three things that I swore I would never do again... but here I am). I found that doing so reined in the portion sizes. Not a bad thing.

Because I was a WWer for years (to the point of obsession which is why I stopped) I find that this program is a bit difficult for two reasons:

1) I was a member when WW changed from New Freedom to the Points program. Over the years there were a few changes, but basically Points values stayed the same for most foods. As a result, unless it was a food that I had never eaten or bore no resemblance to something that I had eaten, I knew the points. I even knew the points - 100% accurately - when I read the Nutritional Information on a label or recipe. As such, this new formulation is really going against the tide of information already in my head.

2) It's not the 29 daily points that is a stretch (at last effort I had 24) it's the 49 weekly allowance. The first week I did the Points Plus program I found that after I had met my daily allowance and wanted something else, I didn't bother to weigh, measure or track. My mind said - "Oh, I have 49 points ... that will cover anything." As a result I stayed the same at my first WI, even though all my "classmates" had shown losses. But that's okay. I realized the error of my ways and started another week.

I'm nothing if not open-minded. I am going to continue to eat the way I always have (very few, if any processed foods). But, I will "follow" the tenets of Weight Watchers for now. I really don't feel like a hypocrite (which was why I was really loathe to start the program again) because (1) with the extra points I don't have to obsess over each one; (2) I respect WW for moving toward the newer research in nutritional science; and (3) I'm not the same person I was several years ago when I decided that the program was not for me.

I leave open the door, though, to the possibility that as I evolve and change some more, I might find that this still isn't the program for me. We shall see. Some people are offended by people who flip-flop. I am offended by people who do NOT flip-flop. What was true on Tuesday which made us behave in an "X" way, may not be the same on Thursday, which means the "X" way is no longer THE way.

Fourth Verse of the Tao:

The Tao is empty but inexhaustible, bottomless, the ancestor of it all.
Within it, the sharp edges become smooth; the twisted knots loosen; the sun is softened by a cloud; the dust settles into place. It is hidden, but always present....

This phrase invites me to think about the endless possibilities (flip-flopping included!) within myself and all that is out there. It invites me to take who I am, and change and flow and reinvent my actions and ideas, and trust my feelings - they may be hidden, and I might not know why I am doing something... but they are there and present, and are to be respected... When we say "The possibilities are endless" do we realize we are speaking the Tao?

They just keep falling....

2010-10-14T12:17:00.007-04:00

We had a wonderful vacation at the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. What beauty and splendor. It was a very spiritual experience. We had a room that faced the Falls, and every time I looked out the window I said to my husband, "I don't understand it - they just keep falling." It hits me now, as I sit to write this entry, that the Falls and the rapids and the cliffs and vegetation are all Tao. They just be... the Falls just keep falling... I found a very real sense of peace and wonder, and it was a superlative way to regroup from my busy life. The third verse deals with contentment, and finding answers within:

Not exalting the gifted prevents quarreling.
Not collecting treasures prevents stealing.
Not seeing desirable things prevents confusion of the heart.
The wise therefore rule by emptying hearts and stuffing bellies, by weakening ambitions and strengthening bones.
If men lack knowledge and desire, then clever people will not try to interfere.
If nothing is done, then all will be well.

I almost went to a different translation because of the "full bellies" comment (lol) but I think that this translation speaks to the issue of not exalting the very things and foods that derail us when we are losing weight. How many of us have dreamed - nay, obsessed - with thoughts of chocolate, or cheesecake, or all-you-can eat buffets (etc. - pick your poison)? The more value we give these foods, the more we want them. What if we gave up the obsession, the exaltation of these foods and situations? Their hold on us would be diminished. We would be content with what truly nurtures our souls and fills our bellies.

Here is part of another translation (Stephen Mitchell):

The Master leads
by emptying people's minds
and filling their cores,
by weakening their ambition
and toughening their resolve.
He helps people lose everything
they know, everything they desire,
and creates confusion
in those who think that they know.

Practice not-doing,
and everything will fall into place.

This speaks also letting things go and just letting things be. But in my personal journey it also speaks to my earlier dieting madness: knowing all the "diets" and desiring to follow them and have their (not typical!) results only created confusion. The more I knew the less I knew. Which pyramid to follow: USDA? Mediterranean? Which things to count: calories, Points? Which method to use: on-line, paper journal? Which to have less of: carbs, fats, proteins? Which to have more of: carbs, fats, proteins? Letting go of all of this leads to letting go of the confusion and toughens my resolve to go about this in the way that is right for me: Practicing not-doing and letting everything fall into place. I love the word "fall" - it is so my experience this weekend: "They just keep falling..." No one has to do anything - they just do...

I also think that this verse speaks to the nature of the journey of weight loss. It is a common belief (and indeed many sayings - I am sure I could dig some up!) about how important it is to enjoy the process and not just live for end result. How much we miss and fret when the end result is what we focus on. We are so busy counting and measuring that we lose sight of WHAT we are counting and measuring: God's full bounty of wonderful food and libations (can crystal clear water be considered a libation? lol). If I'm so worried about how many calories or fat grams a food holds and make my choices based on those decisions, will I miss opportunities to eat and enjoy foods that are in season, farm fresh dairy, lovingly prepared baked goods?

How can I be on this journey and make it fun? I love a farmer's market feel to grocery shopping, and to that end I bought some lovely baskets and bring home my groceries in those. I DO stop at some of the tasting stations that Whole Foods sets up throughout the store (in the "olden days" I didn't allow myself even a morsel of what was being offered if I couldn't count the Points - oh my, what wonderful new foods I missed out on!). I DO stray from my list if there are in-store local farmers' produce being offered that I didn't expect. I am not a wine drinker - (in a former life I didn't want to waste the calories) but my husband and I went to a vineyard in Canada and I had the delightful experience of tasting ice wine for the first time - never mind it was the first time I had ever done a tasting at a winery! We also had a buffet dinner and I had some of the most wonderfully delicious foods and desserts that I have ever had! I passed by the things that I was familiar with and could loosely count, and instead had some of the more special and exotic offerings, and was more satisfied with eating less.

And I think those are the messages in this verse: Less is more. Not obsessing ends the confusion. Doing nothing brings about everything. Be content. Just BE.

Samida

Verse 2 - A Paradox of One

2010-10-07T08:00:00.004-04:00

I didn't intend to come to Verse 2 so soon, but it is hand-in-hand with what I wrote about yesterday. It speaks to the paradoxical nature of life, and how it is important to accept both sides to have the one. I wrote about the paradox yesterday, but how this verse speaks to me with regard to returning to health is what is said in the last two lines: "Work is done, then forgotten. Therefore it lasts forever."

Under heaven all can see beauty as beauty only because there is ugliness.
All can know good as good only because there is evil.
Therefore having and not having arise together.
Difficult and easy complement each other.
Long and short contrast each other:
High and low rest upon each other;
Voice and sound harmonize each other;
Front and back follow one another.

Therefore the sage goes about doing nothing, teaching no-talking.
The ten thousand things rise and fall without cease,
Creating, yet not.
Working, yet not taking credit.
Work is done, then forgotten.
Therefore it lasts forever.

I recently read Gineen Roth's new book, "Women, Food and God." She talked about the phenomenon of "bolting." In my younger days of dieting and following food programs, I would love all that was involved with the structure: Counting the method du jour (Points, calories, exchanges), weighing, measuring, planning, reading labels, etc. But as I moved into the afternoon and evening of my life, my tendency after doing this for - at most - maybe two meals out of one day, was to BOLT. For the longest time I thought it was my failing. Then I got on my soapbox about it being the diet-du-jour's failing. I have come to realize that it really is neither's fault. Fault being the operative word. It just is what it is, was what it was. It is no longer for me. That doesn't make it right or wrong.

I realized that I am at a time in my life where I need a more natural approach. An approach that trusts MY nature, not the rules of a diet. I am mature. I am intelligent. I have source energy in me. I can TRUST. Again, without judgment, it is neither good nor bad. It just is what it is. And for me, personally, I have reached a time in my life when this is what is good for me. I read a lot of message boards and blogs, and I am saddened at the struggle so many people face with their efforts to lose weight. Again, not at all judging that I am doing it the right way and they are doing it the wrong way, but rather I feel that they are still in the morning of their lives when they could be comfortably moving on and trusting themselves to move on to the evening of their lives. The conversations are about "Oh my god, I've lost a pound and now I've lost two Points." "Oh my god, how am I going to weigh and measure and count calories the rest of my life?" "Oh my god, I'll never get back to my wedding-day weight." And on and on... Why cannot the conversations be, "This is easy." "I've been living from the end and it works!" "I just quiet myself and I know when to stop eating." "I listen to my body and I know what to eat." "All I did was put on my big-girl panties and trust myself to know what to do."

"Work is done, then forgotten." Instead of counting and weighing and measuring and WORKING so hard, why not just let it be, and forget it. Trust yourself that there is no need to remember how many ounces of lean protein you had at breakfast in order to determine how many to have at lunch. Just allow your body to know what to do. "Therefore it lasts forever." And this is the crux of what attracts me so much to living from the end, imagining, and clean eating. I feel that it is something that I can live with forever. My body will know when it needs more food or less. My body will know when it needs more protein or less. My body will know when it needs more fat or carbohydrates, or less. My body will know. My body will trust. I will trust.

I am trying to read my posts as an outsider to myself. Please know, from the bottom of my heart, I am absolutely not judging anyone who still is holding on to a "diet mentality." My only purpose here is to share with you what works for me and why this is so. Maybe some of you, who have been afraid to move from counting Points or calories to Core, Clean Eating or South Beach, will see a little bit of yourselves in my postings and you will have the courage to test the waters with trusting your own nature.

Samida

p.s. leaving on vacation tomorrow - will be back next week!

Lemons and Sour Pickles

2010-10-06T09:54:00.004-04:00

The subtitle of this post is: "Just how powerful thoughts are." Imagine a lemon in your hands. Feel the size, shape and texture. Imagine putting it on a cutting board and taking a knife and cutting through it. Imagine putting it to your tongue and squeezing out some of the juice. What just happened? Did you salivate? Imagine it again with a sour pickle. Allowing your imagination to flow can be as powerful as doing.

Think from the end. If you want to lose weight, imagine yourself already there. Never been thin, been so many years ago you forget? Imagine a body that seems comfortable to you and photoshop your head onto it. Do it. There you go. For myself, I do not imagine an airbrushed version of a skinny 20-something actress prancing around on the beach who is on the cover of People. I imagine myself 2 sizes smaller (honest to god - all this to just to be two sizes smaller!) and I focus on the knees. Healthy strong knees. I'm blessed at 58 not to have a single wrinkle on my face. But I got lousy knees... I imagine what it feels like. I imagine everything that comes with it: Ease of movement, clothing in size mediums and 12s and 14s, knees that don't ache (so much), enjoying a bounty of healthy foods (but not eating the whole bounty at one sitting), a smile, a feeling of accomplishment... Good feelings. Happy feelings. And I can have them all NOW. THIS MINUTE.

The trick here is to imagine something that is natural and comfortable for you. We would all like to wake up tomorrow 20 pounds lighter. But really... is that natural? I guarantee it wouldn't be comfortable because to have done so probably means you had both legs cut off during the night while you were sleeping. I can, however, imagine myself 20 pounds lighter by the end of two months....

A person who is a healthy size with healthy bloodwork is not the type of person who will overeat, binge, eat junk food, be a couch potato. So if I already am salivating while I am imagining the pickle, why can I not already be "there" by imagining myself to be the person in the body I imagine. Which thoughts will get me to where I want to go: "I am fat, I'll never lose weight, I'm old and tired, my knees hurt, I give up" ..... OR "I am fit, I am fabulous, I feel great, I eat right, I am healthy" hmm? Some would say the first set of thoughts will get you to where you want to be because beating yourself is where it's at if you want to motivate yourself. I would say that the second set of thoughts will get me to where I want to go because once I have already imagined it, it sets things in motion because reality always seeks to align with thoughts.

It is not that you wish it and imagine it and wish it and imagine it and poof - one morning it is there for you. What makes thinking from the end work is that eventually you align your behaviors with what will take you there. If I am imagining myself as someone who is physical eventually I will align my behaviors so that I am. If I am imagining myself as someone who eats healthy my behaviors will align with that. How aligned are my spirit and my behavior with my thoughts? If your thoughts are to berate yourself, beat yourself up, and believe that this time will be not be different from any other, then your spirit will be beaten and your behavior will be aligned with what you have thought - "I will never lose weight. I can't lose weight. I hate measuring foods. This time isn't any different." BUT, if your thoughts are that you are already healthy, then your spirit is free and excited, and your behaviors are aligned with the way you ARE. We have all heard of water seeking its own level. This is no different. Our behaviors will seek the level you set for it.

You cannot find abundance by dwelling on lack. You cannot find your calling by insisting you have none. You cannot find health by dwelling on illness and disease. Michelangelo said, "The greatest danger for most of us lies in not setting our mark too high and falling short; it is in setting our aim too low, and reaching our mark." He is also the one who said, "I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free." I think that all the negative thoughts and labels we give ourselves are that block of marble. It is in the imagination and good thoughts that we are able to carve away the stone until we set ourselves free. Why not have a high mark instead of a low one? Why sell ourselves short with regard to all the accomplishments that are available to us?

But, turning back to verse 1 of the Tao, aren't we supposed to dwell in "desirelessness" and allowing instead of wanting and doing? Here is the rub: The Tao is not telling us to not want and not do. The Tao is telling us that we must live in, and accept, the dichotomy of all of life. There is no life without a concept of death. There is no concept of black without the concept of white. There is no concept of tall without a concept of short. Each quality fits into and against its opposite. It is okay to want and desire to lose weight, but the success of doing so lies in allowing the process instead of forcing the process. Allowing versus doing. I am on a journey of allowing my body to enjoy nature's bounty in the way my body was intended to enjoy it. I am cooking and baking "clean" foods and then sitting and listening to my body tell me what it wants in the portions it wants. I am allowing the process. I am not reversing it (doing) and using my ego to tell my body what it wants: x amount of calories of this, x ounces of that, etc. I can want yet allow.

It's so peaceful here in this place....

Samida

Verse 1

2010-10-05T12:14:00.008-04:00

Okay - the original title for this post was "Working Verse 1" until I read and re-read the verse so that I could talk about it and then realized that the very underlying message of the Tao is to "ALLOW" things... not work them! I hope I haven't bitten off more than I can chew (so to speak). I know in my heart that this is where I am right now - where I need to be in my path back towards health. But explaining it (even to myself) is a whole other thing... sigh... Here is the verse and then let me explore what the verse means to me in terms of what will return me to health (bear with me... each day one on a verse might be a bit jumbled, but I will take many days to work it out):

The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao.
The name that can be named is not the eternal name.
The nameless is the beginning of heaven and Earth.
The named is the mother of the ten thousand things.
Ever desireless, one can see the mystery.
Ever desiring, one sees the manifestations.
These two spring from the same source but differ in name; this appears as darkness.
Darkness within darkness.
The gate to all mystery. Translation by Gia-fu Feng and Jane English (by the way, yesterday's Verse 9 was also translated by Feng and English).

For me one of the meanings that jumps out is the need to stop labeling and judging. How often does our self-talk get in the way of progress? How often do the wrong thoughts derail us? Okay - so how exactly do I get this out of that verse? "The name that can be named is not the eternal name." Calling something water or agua or whatever does not make it water. We only use the label "water" to identify it to someone else. It does not define the essence or being of water. Think back to the movie about Helen Keller when her teacher, Ann Sullivan, held her hand under the water pump and spelled out the word water. The WORD water would have meant nothing without also the experience of water. However, one can experience water without knowing the word for it.

So, what happens when we label ourselves? For example, we are all dressed up to go out. Our hair and nails are beautiful. We are wearing a new outfit, a new lipstick, new shoes. We feel so good and someone in our household sees us and says how great we look and we just have a lilt in our step. THEN... we look in the mirror to see the whole ensemble and what do we think? FAT. OLD. TIRED. What do those labels do to us? We are immediately deflated, mad at ourselves, doubtful about going out, etc. Why not just experience the wonderful feeling that we had before we put a label on what we (thought we) saw?

And, what about labeling others? Last night, just to be funny, I found some fault with every single person I saw on television for about 20 minutes. OMG: her eyes are different sizes; he looks like he is wearing a mask; does she know that her skirt hikes up when she sits down; I don't understand hairstyles nowadays; etc. etc. It made me realize how critical I am. It was only a game (because I knew I would be writing about labeling today) but if it wasn't in me to do it would it have come out of me? (Can you get grape juice out of an orange?) I manage to censor the verbal output but I am sure this labeling and judging goes on in my mind constantly. And since we are harder on ourselves than we would be on anyone else, what sort of self-labeling and self-judging goes on that wears me down and tears me down, even when I am not fully aware of it? How much more joyful would eating well and exercising be if I didn't constantly have a river of judgment flowing beneath my every thought and action?

Another thing that jumps out at me (well it didn't exactly jump ... I had to search for it) is that when one allows ("desireless") the answers come, the mysteries are revealed. When one tries too hard (desires) the answer is elusive while everything wrong with the situation (manifestations) sets up roadblocks. I think this is the crux of my journey here. I want to do more allowing and less directing. I don't want to diet, I want to BE the diet. Does that make sense? My whole coming to peace with myself and eating clean seems more in the way (tao) of things and the way to uncovering the mysteries of returning to health, than beating myself to death with rules and judgments.

There is also acknowledgment of the yin and yang of the universe in this verse. The paradox of naming something but it's not its name; desiring something but needing to be "desireless" to have it; darkness being the gateway to the light. So in my efforts I have to realize that although I want to return to health I need to allow myself to find my way without too much direction to get there. Not following a diet is the way to lose weight.

More on this tomorrow.... I'm going to allow verse 1 to wash over me and take me where I am going....

Samida

A new path on my journey

2010-10-04T10:27:00.006-04:00

I had a long talk with one of my friends who suggested that I return to blogging as a way to record my journey along my weight-loss path. I had started to write a daily food journal on DWLZ but after a few days it felt very uncomfortable because the entire journey I am taking is to become a "normal" eater - and what normal eater logs every morsel that goes into his/her mouth? (And besides Dotti would have to increase her bandwidth 10% to accommodate me! lol) I could ask a normal eater at 4PM what s/he had for breakfast or what s/he had for lunch yesterday, and I guarantee you that unless s/he is tracking some sort of food plan in his/her head s/he won't remember. What I need is more of an exploration journal and less of a food journal. So here I am back again, but with a definite direction and inspiration.

For a couple of years now I have been moving toward a more spiritual way of approaching not just my life in general, but eating, in particular. It seems to me that there has to be something more than just the frantic efforts at weight loss that will actually move me towards PERMANENT weight loss. In my very first entry on this blog I listed all the different diets I had followed at various times in my life, and I ended up feeling very comfortable with the South Beach way of eating. A further step in that process is the "Eat-Clean" way of eating. I have found over the past few months that it is the most fulfilling and natural way of eating. The step beyond South Beach that it takes is the elimination of artificial ingredients. But, other than that, they are virtually the same (as far as I can see) and I have been cooking out of both cookbooks and eating from both view points.

However, I have taken the biggest step of all. This past weekend I have made the decision to stop drinking diet soda. (I haven't given up the carbonation though - I have switched, for now, to flavored sparkling spring water... maybe when I can take the next step I will switch to "just" water.) I felt that I couldn't be true to my journey unless I was willing to stop putting so much poison (in the form of aspartame, saccharin, etc.) into my body. What am I to do with the six pack of large bottles of diet Pepsi in my trunk? lol I have a girlfriend who drinks gallons of diet Pepsi - she's in for a surprise when she gets my stock!

This is the direction I am taking (eating clean) but what about my inspiration? I have been reading the Tao te Ching for a couple of years now. In actuality, it is 81 pages and can be read in an afternoon. So maybe I should say studying instead of reading (well I actually have been reading the Tao of this and the Tao of that - lol - many creative people have found the Tao - which means the way or the path - has clarified their approaches to things) . I may have talked about this in an earlier blog, but just to introduce it again: The Tao te Ching was written by Lao-tzu, a contemporary of (but much older than) Confucius. It is a book of 81 verses, and has been translated and published only second to the Bible. The verses offer guidance for a balanced life. Because returning to health (and then living in health) requires balance, it seemed to me that instead of making myself crazy counting and measuring and writing (be it "Points," calories, grams, etc.) that it would be more prudent, in the long run, to calm down, and accept the wisdom of a natural balance, with all the goodness that this great earth's food can offer me.

I see the direction and inspiration for this blog coming from looking at each verse and seeing how it applies to my life with regard to the balance necessary to return to health. There are some verses that are very perfect and obvious, such as Verse 9: "To keep on filling is not as good as stopping. Overfilled, the cupped hands drip, better to stop pouring." (There are many translations of the Tao de Ching - I don't have my books with me and so cannot here ascribe it to the translator - but I will come back and edit this post when I have the correct translator.) This resonates so deeply with the "stop eating when you are full" instructions that so many dieters are terrified of. They have eaten according to external cues for so many years they do not know how to trust themselves... but I digress. I was saying that some verses jump out as directly having to do with dieting, but I think to approach this journey correctly (well, correctly for me) I would like to just start at Verse 1, and spend a few days living it and relating it to my weight-loss journey.

This idea comes directly from Wayne Dyer's "Change Your Thoughts Change Your Life - Living the Wisdom of the Tao." He did just this. He deliberately lived the Tao for a full year, taking one verse at a time, and living it for four days. I have always had great respect for his writings up to this point - but in following his work since the writing of this book, I have to say that he moved to the next level in all respects. So FOR NOW (we know how things change) I would like to try this on for size for myself.

One last thing I want to share with regard to why I feel I need to make this shift from dieting to just being: There is a quote from Carl Gustav Jung that can explain it more than my own words: "Thoroughly unprepared, we take the step into the afternoon of life. Worse still, we take this step with the false presupposition that our truths and our ideals will serve us as hitherto. But we cannot live the afternoon of life according to the program of life’s morning, for what was great in the morning will be little at evening and what in the morning was true, at evening will have become a lie." Dieting was the morning of my life. I am ready to move on to my evening.

So tomorrow will start my plunge into the Tao. Don't worry though - I'll still share great recipes, and fun stuff! lol I have the feeling though, I'm in for quite a ride!

Samida

Onward and Upward: Kale Chips, casseroles and stews

2010-08-22T15:52:00.002-04:00

Alas, my vacation is over... Back to work tomorrow. I find that the best success I have is being prepared with my meals AT LEAST through Wednesday of a work week. To that extent I have been cooking all morning (see below), and when I'm done blogging will head to the kitchen again to prepare at least two-days of fresh tossed salad. Someone gotta do it... lol

I have cycled through many "diets" and "lifestyles" in the past year, and have settled on the South Beach way of eating. For any of you who did the original South Beach, I urge you to get the new materials - it is much more "permissive" than it was years ago. The allowed foods go on for pages, including many more nuts, protein sources, etc. For a healthy way of eating (but a slower initial weight loss) you can jump right to Phase 2, which is as close to "normal" as any diet out there. The saying for when you have "strayed" is: "It is a treat not a cheat" which, psychologically, makes it easier to pick yourself up and go on rather than take an all or nothing attitude.

However, after a lot of soul searching, I realize that I am in this for the long-run and that indeed it is a lifestyle change, NOT a diet. (Well, it is a diet, but you know what I mean.) Your library should have all the new books and cookbooks, or else their website is FANTASTIC and EXTREMELY reasonably well-priced. The entire program, recipes, and support forums are there, and for an extra $3 you can sign up to have a personal dietitian work with you. I actually did that when I got started, and it was perfect. I got answers to all my questions, support, and anything personal that helped me (i.e., fitting this into my schedule, my family's way of eating, foods I liked, etc.). I no longer have the on-line membership, but it was great in getting me started.

So to that end, here are the recipes I made today:

I've made these before: Kale "chips" are a great substitute for potato chips IMHO :) (Although I am sure a full 50% of you won't try this and 50% of the remaining 50% won't like them lol ) Take a bunch of kale and remove the stems and tear the kale into bite-sized pieces. Toss with a bit of olive oil and salt and spread on a baking pan that has been sprayed with PAM. Bake in a slow oven (about 300) until the "chips" get crispy, stirring once. This is usually 30-45 minutes. While I had a slow oven going I also roasted some fennel bulbs and chicken breasts to use in salads and other recipes for the week.

Also - I made two of my MOST favorite vegetarian casseroles today from the South Beach Diet Super Quick Cookbook: Acorn Squash and Two-Bean Gratin (to which I added whole wheat pasta shells) and Picadillo-Style Lentil Stew. I am loathe to reproduce copyrighted recipes here but if you can get this cookbook from the library (or purchase it) I strongly recommend these two vegetarian recipes. Later in the week I am making Herbed Quinoa and Edamame Salad and African Red Bean Stew. Those two will be recipes I haven't tried yet but almost everything from this cookbook has been scrumptious so I have confidence that I will like these two as well.

I also made the "Chicken with Cremini Cream Sauce." Since first making this I must have made it a dozen times - sometimes at least once a week. What I do is bake the chicken breast separately and add it to the sauce later, and sometimes, when I don't even have time for that I buy the Perdue or Trader Joe's already cooked chicken breast and add it to the sauce. I cannot recommend this recipe highly enough - but do use cremini mushrooms or you will not have the same flavor.

Onward and upward on the path to clean eating!!!!

Samida

What a difference a snorkel makes

2010-07-30T09:55:00.003-04:00

What? Okay let me explain. A couple of years ago my husband and I went to Discovery Cove and we were given our snorkels to keep. It sat in my linen closet until this summer when I took it out to use in our own pool. I noticed what a pleasure it was to swim without having to turn my neck to catch a breath (which also ruined my "form" since I'm not a trained swimmer). I've enjoyed using it in my own pool but then got the bright idea to bring it to the gym pool to use. EUREKA! Swimming laps has become a totally pleasurable experience. I had done the aqua jogging, but now with the snorkel I am so enjoying swimming, which, because it uses the upper body, is, in my opinion, a so much better workout than the aqua jogging (which is still better than nothing - but I can see it doesn't compare to the exertion of swimming). I have been taking it gently though, as one of my shoulder joints is doing a bit of belly aching, as this is my first real upper body workout since my rotator cuff surgery.

I have been doing 20 minutes on the treadmill, then lap swimming (I am only up to 14), then a reprieve in the hot tub, and then 10 laps against the current in the lazy river. I would like to add weights in the next couple of weeks, AND I promised my son I would use the track today instead of the treadmill. He made the point that with the track I am using my whole body, and with the treadmill, not only is the conveyor belt doing some of the work, but if I am holding on (which I do) my upper body is not getting a work out. He's right, of course. I am only up to a mile. I have been walking without my braces so I am trying not to overdo it. If I build up slowly my knees will hopefully get used to it.

You might remember that a while back I had hoped to be in the Disney Princess half-marathon but my doctor absolutely nixed that. He said that unless I could take a totally leisurely stroll with a lot of downtime between the miles, I would have to be scheduling surgery when I got back. Since that is not an option for me right now I decided not to do that, and I have to admit, I gave up everything. The time is right now (for some reason!) to pick up my activity again. Maybe because my son is doing it along with me. Who knows. Actually we get to the gym and head off our different ways, sometimes meeting up in the hot tub. So we aren't actually working out together, but it's nice to have him there in the gym with me.

Before going off to the gym I've been having an apple and a hard-boiled egg. When I get back I've been having a lovely (huge!) salad - lately with a cup of lentil salad on top of it - and fruit. Tonight we are having a friend over who is a vegetarian so there will be lots of yummy things on our dinner table!

Actually, this friend is a student of mine and a very gifted artist. I have hired her to design my gardens. I know beauty when I see it but no idea how to get there! She came to my house with a compass and worked out an entire feng-shui plan. This is an excerpt (it was quite a long and detailed report) of what she wrote at the first visit:

"Your house situation is perfect Feng Shui!!!!!!!! The front door should face South (yours faces 146 degrees SE – close enough). This is called the area of the Red Phoenix. This is a great place to put red flowers and bird sculptures (especially of birds that are ready to fly). Looking out your front door, the left side of your house is called the green dragon and should be higher (it is) than the right side of your house which is called white tiger. The back of your house is called black turtle and this is a good place for tall trees."

I am so excited!! We are going to start just with the immediate front of the house, which is very shabby and needs a lot of work. There must be something in the air - a new garden, a new exercise plan...

Anyway - have a great weekend everyone. Stay cool!!

Monday again!

2010-07-26T11:57:00.002-04:00

Good morning! Just enjoyed a wonderful weekend - relaxing AND working. Not work-work, if you know what I mean... HOUSE work - far tougher and more exhausting that work-work any day. The weekend is my grocery shopping time, and got some very nice things. Nothing too exciting, but enough to stock the fridge for at least till Thursday, and enough to make a wonderful dinner last night along with tons of left-overs to send home with my daughter, who is dog-sitting this week and not in her own kitchen.

Lately on DWLZ, we having some nice discussions on clean eating. Everyone defines it differently, but the common thread is non-processed and whole foods, as much as is possible and enjoyable. For WW followers, it would be very much like "Core" or "Simply Filling." As I've said before, this is my "normal" - just too much of it!

Yesterday was a typical clean-eating day (the exception being one small slice of WW's yogurt pie):

Breakfast: Egg substitute (don't know the brand, but it's one without millions of chemicals and coloring) scrambled with green peppers and scallions. Normally I use only fresh eggs, but I wanted to try this new brand - still not like a fresh egg, but pretty close. On the side I had sliced cucumbers and 1/2 cup of lentils.

Lunch: Green salad with hot-smoked trout. Blueberries.

Dinner: Appetizers: Yogurt and cucumber salad, babaghanoush, feta cheese (FULL fat sheep's milk - but one little piece instead of a whole slab!) and olives; Main course: Grilled onions and zucchini, green salad (tossed with raisins, walnuts and feta), grilled chicken breast.

Lots of swimming and fun in between. This has been the best summer yet. I know people are complaining that it's right up there with record-breakers (at least here in New England) but I am savoring every single day of it. I think I've been in the pool more this summer than the past 10 years combined. However, this is NOT to be confused with exercise. Floating around on a noodle with my feet dangling into the deep water doesn't count as anything except pure relaxation and happiness. If high cortisol levels make you retain fat, then mine should be melting away...

My son is after me to get going on the exercise. Yesterday he caught a good back-view of me while I washed dishes at the sink. In the most LOVING way (I assure you he is my biggest supporter) he said, "Mom, you're not even holding your own - you are gaining weight." Ah... better than a scale. So to support me we are joining a fitness and recreation center and we are going to work out at lunch. He even offered the supreme sacrifice of getting up early so we can work out before work. He totally doesn't need this as he works out and/or runs for more than two hours every night - and that's with a weight vest! Gotta love that boy.

TTYL!

Oh my gosh - it's been ages!

2010-07-22T14:41:00.002-04:00

I wasn't even sure if I would remember my password! I have been away for so long (sorry to the people who actually do follow my blog and was wondering where I had disappeared to!) - busy busy - some of it good busy, some of it not good busy, but most of it just daily-grind busy! I don't know where to pick up, other than right now, here in the present. I do remember that this is about the time I started blogging last year - seems as though the summer brings a little extra time to relax and reflect.

Since the name of this blog is "Samida's Weightloss Journey" I suppose I owe it to you tell you exactly where I am on this journey. I have to say, "EXACTLY where I was last year!" I have to say that some of my summer clothes are exactly the same as the ones I was wearing 10 years ago. I don't go up OR down. This can be good OR bad! lol -- I wish vanity meant something to me - but it really doesn't. I like the way I am right now. A little thinner wouldn't hurt, but that's not important to me, as my weight hasn't stopped me from doing anything in my life that I have wanted to do. I really should go back over my blog and see if I am repeating myself here! (I actually did print it out with the intention of reading all my past entries - but it came to 50 pages, and I just didn't want to sit and read it - maybe I'll bring it with me tomorrow for some beach reading.) I WOULD like to change some of the numbers on my blood tests (the usual: sugar, cholesterol and triglycerides) - but even those are acceptable so not a whole lot of motivation there. NOT to mention that my knees are shot and I will probably have pain no matter what I weigh - until I replace them. Boy... am I (NOT) motivated to lose weight, or what?

HOWEVER - that being all said, I am STILL eating super healthy - things I have already shared with you. Right now I am trying to get a handle on my appetite and hunger. It's been strange (and I would call my doctor but my thyroid function is also perfect) - but even having a fantastic breakfast, I'm still hungry mid-morning: something that NEVER happens to me; or I am hungry (really hungry - not just rooting around out of boredom) in the evening after a good dinner. For example, yesterday's breakfast was: Plain non-fat yogurt, plain mini-shredded wheats, blueberries, walnuts and flaxseed oil with lignans. (For those of you counting points it was a whopping 8 points!) There is no way in HE-double hockey sticks I should have been hungry before noon or 1PM. However, there I was at 11AM absolutely hungry. Ditto for today: This morning I had smoked salmon, almonds and blueberries, and coffee with REAL cream (the fat in the salmon, nuts and cream really should have held me till at least noon). For lunch I had lentil salad (that recipe is early on in my blog) and hard-boiled eggs and throughout the day I had snacks of fruit and nuts. Last night I had chicken Parmesan (homemade - not fried and breaded with junk, and a totally wholesome sauce made from fresh tomatoes, onions and basil) with steamed greenbeans... I barely made it to 7 before I was ACTUALLY hungry. What's up with that? Oh well, at least I pride myself on not eating junk or white carbs or sugar.

I am eating all whole, dense foods, with plenty of (good) fat intake. I have to do some investigation and see what might be going on. It could also be that my body just has to get used to a smaller quantity (yes, I am always on a quest to lose weight) even though the quality and frequency of meals is first-class. And in case any of you are wondering: NO, I haven't increased physical activity. LOL - you don't know me at all if you ask that!

I have been cycling through both the new Supercharged South Beach (OMG - if any of you tried SB years ago you have got to invest in books on the new program - other than that pesky Phase 1, it is, in my opinion, totally different and more forgiving with many more choices) and the Eat-Clean Diet (Tosca Reno). Mostly I have been using the wonderful recipes of both programs rather than following the programs themselves. I swear, say DIET and I am running the other way. Call it a "lifestyle change" if you want... I still hear DIET. lol

Anyhoo - it's great to back and I promise to write weekly (at least) and put up some of my recipes and meal ideas.

Samida

As the week chugs along....

2010-01-26T11:55:00.005-05:00

Boy oh boy... back to my FULL schedule. I had to take in a huge bag of groceries and meals yesterday. Back to lunch and dinner in my office, as I teach right after work. I have to feel things out though - I'm finding I don't need as much food as I've allowed... but some days I do.

Yesterday: I had a very large salad with salmon for lunch. Also, my popcorn and later in the afternoon tea with Almondina cookies. Then I wanted to make sure I had dinner before class because it's never good news when I've gone to my 7PM class without dinner. However, I just did not feel like eating everything I brought with me. I had a small portion of the ziti I made the other day, but not the veggies I brought with it. On the way in to work I suspected this might be the case (not wanting to eat everything) so I stopped and bought apples, string cheese, and whole wheat pita bread. So, on the way home from class I had bread, apple and cheese for a snack in the car, and lo-and-behold, I didn't even go into the kitchen when I got home around 10.

So... today.... I'm hungry! At about 10AM I had the vegetable plate that I did not have last night with the ziti, and that's enough to hold me till lunch which is, again, salmon and salad. I am going straight to class tonight after work, but the difference is that it's an hour earlier than last night's class so for sure I won't want dinner before class. Thinking ahead (boy this is becoming a habit!) I packed a vanilla yogurt to mix with a cup of blueberries, 1/2 cup of some kind of Kashi cereal, and a TBS of walnuts. I'm sorry I forgot to bring my apple/cheese/bread snack for the car after class - I'll be very hungry when I get home. I have to think this through so I don't go haywire when I walk through the door.

Yesterday I made (but did not eat) a crockpot chicken dish with stuffing and veggies. That might work, or maybe I'll stop in at Trader Joe's on the way home to pick something up. Morningstar (fake) riblets just flashed before my eyes!

Tomorrow I have my challenge as I am going out to lunch with mom. I'm watching Phantom Gourmet now (it's a restaurant review show that airs in the Boston area) to see if they come up with any lunch restaurants we haven't tried yet. Always on the lookout for something inexpensive that has good parking. (Mom has a walker and I really have to be able to pull up right at the door - harder when there's snow on the ground.)

Okay - so I was asked - what IS normal eating? LOL - still trying to figure it out. But, I'm realizing that normal (for me) eating does not mean free for all, or totally unplanned meals. I still need to think ahead and have some structure. I can have anything I want - just not all at once! I have an awareness of my fruit and vegetable servings (I never skimp on veggies but sometimes I might hit a day where I have 1 or no fruit) and my carb intake. But, not necessarily in terms of limiting it, just in terms of eating it. However, I am careful to pick whole grains and try to stay away from white flour and sugar - which lets out all the processed junk that I'm not eating anyway!

Haha - they are reviewing the place where mom and I go - Jim's Deli in Brighton. Old fashioned and oh so huge portions at a small price! Once all the snow is melted we'll head there again because there is only street parking and it's hard to find something close. They put this review show on just before lunch so I'm chomping at the bit to eat as soon as it's over. LOL They also reviewed The Fireplace in Brookline - we went there the night my daughter got her PhD from Harvard. They have a lunch menu too, but a little pricey for mom's lunch pocketbook. Oh my... now they are giving a gourmet recipe for grilled cheese. Can you say HEART ATTACK?????

Anyway - it's about lunchtime and I have a salad with grilled salmon waiting for me...

Samida

I didn't run away I promise

2010-01-23T18:23:00.003-05:00

LOL. Enjoyed dinner last night. In the end it was NOT worth the money or the effort to go to a place I had been looking forward to. Just as well - kept my eating in check. It's sichuan place so I ordered some very spicy dishes which my family loves but I do not. Even the standard, chicken with cashewnuts was a bust, IMHO. So that takes care of that meal! Not that I didn't eat, and not that I didn't have a dish of left over lomein for lunch... but it's over and done with. Did I eat like a normal person? Jury's out on that but I didn't leave the table overstuffed, like I usually do, so that must be a sign!

When I got home from my classes this morning I got back in my nightgown and spent the entire day in bed. I just have been doing so much since my first day out of sling-prison, it finally caught up with me. After dozing off and on all afternoon I am now up and dressed (at 6:30PM) and will hit the grocery store in a while. We need coffee and cream for the morning. Goodness gracious, let's not have a Sunday morning without coffee and cream!

Just feeling sort of blah, so will keep this short. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Samida

Boy... if I ever needed a reason to eat....

2010-01-22T11:23:00.006-05:00

If the problem isn't food, eating won't fix it. <---- My mantra.

I have a 94 year old mother still living on her own .... need I say more? lol

Woke up again very early - had ziti for breakfast at 5AM, and am just now (11:30) having my coffee and three of those wonderful biscotti cookies. I'll have chicken and veggies for lunch.

We are having Chinese food for dinner tonight (lunch with my brother and mother does not constitute not eating it again with the family) - but the real stuff... IF I want it I will let myself. Again, I have to put my fork down and really evaluate my fullness after one plate. I can always order something steamed with brown rice like I did yesterday, but we are already looking at a big bill to accommodate the rest of the family, so maybe not.

Trust... trust... trust... <--- My other new mantra! Tonight will be a big test. I promise not to run away from this blog tomorrow! lol

But - really, this is the whole point of eating this way. How DO normal people eat? What does it actually feel like to eat normally and not as a dieter?

Let go of my past story. It's not the wake that drives the boat. It is what is left behind as you go forward. <--- Third new mantra.

What does this all mean? In the past I would worry and wring my hands over having Chinese food for dinner (specifically while dieting). I would either (A) eat myself sick saying it's one meal - how often do I do it; (B) Be good about having one portion, but because I came from a space of denial rather than a space of allowing, I would eat the leftovers later or eat all around the leftovers and consume more food than anyone has a right to; or (C) Eat something else while the family was enjoying my dinner.

Letting go of my story, and not letting the wake drive the boat means (A) allowing myself to enjoy whatever I want; (B) don't deny anything I really want... BUT stop and assess whether I really want it or am hungry for it; and (C) not attaching any guilt to whatever it is that I've enjoyed. It also means that if I want, I can make a plate of leftovers (if there are any) and enjoy it another day for another meal. WHATTA CONCEPT! Deliberate leftovers!

I think that is one of the hardest things to get used to eating my new way. The understanding that we live in America with an abundance of foods and restaurants. Anything I eat one day and enjoy will totally be available to me another day. AND, if perchance it won't be (like it's an expensive restaurant and I really won't be going there again and no other place makes "it" the same way) - then that is what take out containers are for. I can even make a second order and bring it home with me to enjoy another time.

Denial and deprivation brings on hoarding. And what is overeating or bingeing but actually hoarding? How many of us have said (often) that when our homes are clean and uncluttered it is easier for us to follow a food plan? (Here I am raising my hand.) There is a calmness in the lack of clutter - I think there is a calmness in the lack of overeating. But when you feel you need more when you really don't, the insanity takes over. I love Niecey's (Clean House) saying: Let's get rid of this mayhem and foolishness (<---- another mantra! lol). Getting rid of the mayhem and foolishness of hoarding and cluttering brings a new serenity. I'm talking food or things... Okay so tonight, as I face an abundance of Chinese food (boy when we order out we order out!) I will rid myself of my prior mayhem and foolishness and see if the new serenity keeps me limited to just one plate without any feelings of deprivation or remorse. I'll let you know tomorrow!

Samida

Food Find! Food Find!

2010-01-21T11:13:00.003-05:00

I have never EVER bought a food based on a sample tasting at a grocery store. That "record" has been broken. I sampled a wonderful biscotti-type cookie called Almondina and bought it on the spot. They were testing four different flavors but I loved the Cinnaroma the best. Not to run a full 60-second commercial, but they are made with whole grain flour, no cholesterol, no added salt, and have fiber as well as protein! I can't wait to find the ginger and pumpkin spice flavors. Personally I did not care for the chocolate cherry - mostly because I was dreaming of a hershey kiss and got cocoa powder! lol BUT, some of you might like that flavor - they also have a chocolate dipped which I did not try.

Today is lunch out with my brother and mom. There is a favorite Chinese restaurant that we are going to - they offer steamed veggies for an appetizer and steamed brown rice. They also have "heart-healthy" entree choices (steamed veggies with chicken or shrimp). I love their hot and sour soup, but other than that (probably laden with salt) the rest will be totally healthy and satisfying. It's a beautiful, clean, white tablecloth type of restaurant, so the whole experience is pleasant. My goal for lunch is to put my fork down between bites. It's so freeing to enjoy this meal and not have to worry about points or calories! Believe it or not, now that I am tuned into my body (or at least trying to be) I don't even want the other stuff... but I could have it if I wanted to!

Last night/this morning I had a very interesting experience. I got home from class and I was SO hungry. As I had ziti before going I had that ever-present spinach pie. Still hungry so I had a persimmon (I eat it like an apple - skin and all...you just have to make sure it's soft and ripe). I was a little "empty" when I went to bed. I awoke around 4:30AM and I was SO hungry and thirsty. I tried to go back to sleep but finally at about 5 I couldn't stand it anymore so officially got up and had a bowl of cut honeydew and a 1/2 piece of Fitness bread with a slice of FF cheese and a bottle of water. Once tummy was full I was able to fall back to sleep for a bit. Hungry again when I got up and had breakfast (that same weird banana/cheese sandwich I had yesterday).

The first new experience is actually TRULY being hungry. Not a hunger mask that is hiding boredom, frustration, anger, worry, etc. but REAL tummy hunger. The second new experience was giving myself permission to eat. And an actual meal - not just poking around the fridge. AND permission again to have breakfast as I usually do. Oh AND permission to have my wonderul Almondina cookies with a cup of tea when I got to work.

I am so tempted to get on the scale, but I don't want to be a slave to it. I know in my heart I am eating the way that promotes health and weight loss, and I don't want a number to decide for me how the rest of my day will go. I'm not saying that the scale isn't good feedback - it is. But, I'm one of these people who is ruled by it, so letting go of the daily, or even weekly, weigh-ins is another new thing for me.

Did I say yesterday that someone at work approached me and said that she can see in my face that I've lost weight? I don't know about clothes because since my surgery I have mostly
been wearing elastic waist pants and going bra-less with loose tops. I've only started wearing my real clothes! Now that I'm not in my sling I can go back to buttons and zippers and bras! So the face compliment will have to be my feedback for right now - I'll take it :).

For dinner I have turkey meatballs and marinara sauce (augmented with steamed swiss chard) in the crockpot. I might cook up some whole wheat spaghetti if I feel like it.

I am loving this "trusting myself concept." Try it!

Samida

Interesting development....

2010-01-20T12:52:00.005-05:00

Greetings! Interesting development on my end. Last night before going to class I had only a small snack (small bowl of my lentil salad). I didn't want an entire dinner because it was still too early. I got home so hungry. Normally I would either eat my kitchen top to bottom, or, if I was wise enough to have a meal prepared, eat that and move on to the next thing. Instead, as I had nothing planned, but plenty of good food in the house, I got quiet for a moment and thought about what I would really really like.

I decided to have a piece of spinach pie. I thought that would be my downfall, but I managed to eat a small quantity, enjoying every bit of it, and then I was done. I ALSO had two bites of strudel (my husband was in a baking-with-filo-dough mood). Unbelievable. I took a bite out of the apple and decided it wasn't sweet enough to make it worth my while, then took a bite of the sour cherry and decided I didn't care for that at all. I took a look around the kitchen, closed the light and left for the evening. OMG this has never happened.

This morning I was in the mood for one of my unusual sandwiches: Whole wheat pita bread (we get the very thin large ones so I cut the loaf in half) wrapped with FF cheese, romaine lettuce, and a 1/2 of a banana. Weird I know - but oh so filling - and satisfying.

For lunch at work I packed a tri-part tupperware: in the two small portions I put butternut squash (nothing on it - not even salt - and it was delicious!) and poached salmon. In the large part I put the sweet and sour red cabbage that I made the other day (from the Ornish cookbook). I also packed some of my cabbage/beet soup and an apple. I'll be topping that off with some microwave popcorn.

For dinner I will have the ziti and a salad.

I'm beginning to think that this "eat what I feel like when I feel like it and how much I feel like" is actually going to work. Someone came into my office this morning that has not seen me since my surgery in December and did a quick double take. She said it looks like I have lost so much weight. I told her to tell me that again! lol

Signing off for today, but I may be back later!

Samida

New journey into recipes

2010-01-19T12:02:00.004-05:00

Well - I tried something new today - I took one of my favorite WW recipes (chicken and ziti) but because I am not going to measure and weigh, I went against the core of my very being and just "went with it." Here is the recipe - extremely low fat, using whole grains - it's actually "simply filling or Core" if that's what you do follow:

One box of whole wheat penne. The recipe calls for 2 cups but in doing that I had about 1/3 of a cup left over in the box so I figured - what the heck - and I used it all! I boiled it for 9 minutes.
Then mixed it with:
1 cup of fat free ricotta
1 package of sliced mushrooms, sauteed
1 small handful of walnuts (leave out for SF/Core unless you measure)

In a separate pan I sauteed up a diced onion with 2 cloves of garlic
Then added 1 large can of crushed tomatoes with 1/2 tsp each oregano and basil and some ground black pepper
To this I added some left over diced chicken - I didn't measure it but you can
Simmered this all together for the time it took for the ziti to cook

Put 1/2 of the tomato mixture on the bottom of a baking pan, top with ziti mixture, then the rest of the tomato sauce.
Top with FF mozarella (if you use low fat, then count and measure if youi want)
A sprinkling of parmesian (optional) topped it all off

Bake about 1/2 hour in a 350 degree oven or until the cheese melts on top.

If you are counting and measuring, you only need to count the cheese, chicken and ziti.
If you are doing Core/SF then you don't have to count anything as long as you use FF dairy and whole wheat pasta.

Voila! A guilt-free family meal.

For breakfast this morning I had FF plain yogurt with plain mini-shredded wheat, 1/2 banana, 1 TBS chopped walnuts, and some splenda.

I think I will have the ziti for dinner and have some yummy cabbage soup that I made yesterday for lunch. (I made variations in both, but these cookbooks are the original sources.)

Anyway - I didn't intend for this to turn into a recipe site/journal, but I'm liking it (for now!). Hope this can help anyone who wants to explore "natural" eating.

Samida

Monday Monday

2010-01-18T11:09:00.003-05:00

In an effort to really put effort into this blog here I am again today. I wanted to give some thoughts to what I wrote yesterday about "just" eating right. Yesterday's eating went well. It was low fat, low carb, and I had chicken at dinner - ate till I was full but not as much as usual. No bread, but some lovely purple potatoes. Those are hard to come by, and I buy them whenever I find them. I made a couple of lovely recipes from Dean Ornish's cookbook. I am thwacking myself in the head because I had that cookbook and got rid of it, and now have to take it out from the library. I may repurchase it if I find more than a dozen recipes that I want to keep. (Up to a dozen I will just write out on recipe cards.)

For today I have some challenges - most noteably my husband is making his wonderful spinach pie (the middle east version with filo dough). BUT, in my quest to NOT diet, I am going to have this. I can make a meal out of a couple of slices with salad. In my diet days I would either eat it and feel that I "blew" the entire day, and therefore pig out on eating more than I really wanted; or, I wouldn't eat it because there is no way to count and measure it. I mean my entire test today is that spinach pie!

My breakfast was a WW bagel with two slices of no-fat cheese, 1/2 a banana, and a cup of coffee.

I have such lovely produce in the house today - and I already made a sweet and sour red cabbage dish, I will make my lentil salad today (recipe on an earlier blog), cooked up butternut squash, and will make a chicken and ziti (whole wheat and non-fat ricotta) later as well. As I've said, it's a lot of food to have prepared, but I have to make it ahead so I have it for the week. This way it is easy to grab and go, and TOTALLY cuts out any need for take out meals during the week.

However, right now, at 11:19 AM I am still in my jammies (bad bad girl) so I won't get into gear until a bit later.

I am also starting a bit of extra movement. Even though I work up a sweat in my belly dance classes, and PT has me moving, these are baseline activities. I am going to pledge to use my recumbant bike today and maybe spend 5 minutes or so on the mini trampoline.

I have to find my link for the camera so I can upload some of these lucious dishes. They are beautiful to look at as well as to eat! :)

Have a great day~
Samida

Let go of your story

2010-01-17T12:02:00.004-05:00

What would our (diet) lives be like if we let go of our personal stories? I talked about this a bit in an earlier blog about the fact that the wake is what is left behind - it is not what steers the ship. I can't speak for anyone else, but I have been stuck in diet limbo because of my personal story. I have played with the same 40 pounds for YEARS. My story is this:

I lose weight (mostly on WW excursions, but sometimes other routes).
I may lose up to 10 pounds.
I get cocky.
I guess I can do it "myself."
I gain back the 10 pounds.
I read all sorts of diet books and cook books.
I go back on some sort of diet (probably WW again).
I may lose up to 5 pounds.
I get cocky.
I guess I can do it "myself."
I gain back the 5 pounds.
I read all sorts of diet books and cook books.
ETCETERA

This is my story and I'm stickin' to it. Until now.

OMG - what if I don't have the history of puny losses with immediate gains? What if I don't have a history of needing other people to tell me how to eat, what to eat, how much to eat, when to eat. WAIT - that IS part of my story and I always gain the weight back. How about if I let go of the portion of the story that follows "I guess I can do it myself?" What if I write a new story?

What if this looks like my new story:

I am 57 years old and have been dieting since the age of about 8 years old.
However, unlike the past 45 years I don't follow diet plans, then fall off diet plans, then gain the weight back.
Instead, my NEW story is that I absolutely trust myself to know what to eat, in what portions to eat, and when to eat.
My NEW story has me making good choices and losing weight and keeping it off. OMG what a concept. What a new ending.
I never allowed myself this ending because I was so locked into the old story.

It's scary but at the same time exciting and exhilarating. I look back at my first post where I talk about eating "core-like." Even that doesn't have to be part of my story anymore. It gives too much of a feel of rules and dieting. I know what to eat to make my body feel its maximum best. That includes whole grains (including whole grain bread!), plenty of veggies and fruits, and lean proteins. It does not include packaged junk and eating till I'm stuffed. I know that. I don't need a diet from my old story to tell me that.

I have to suspend my beliefs that I must weigh and measure and journal in order to lose weight. I must suspend my beliefs that the only way to lose weight is to follow what others tell me to follow. I must suspend my beliefs that the only way to keep off weight that I have lost is to remain vigilant about every single bite that goes into my mouth.

My last post talked about faith. Letting go of my past story and stories requires a lot of faith. It also requires a knowing that if I tune into my body I will lose weight, get to a weight that is natural for me, and keep a weight that is natural for me. This does not mean that I am going to take a passive role in all this, saying that I can eat ANYTHING, eat ANY amount, etc. I am taking an active role in choosing healthy foods and eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am full. It also means indulgences - but in modest quantities - but not because a diet told me to limit them, but because I know now that my body does not react well to extreme indulgences. If anything, this way of life is harder than dieting. You have to rely on yourself to stop eating - not because you are done with your portion, or out of points or calories. So - don't get me wrong, I am not in ANY way saying this is easy or going to be easy. But who grows on easy stuff?

A journey of faith, suspended beliefs, and a knowing... a knowing that after 45 years of dieting I know which foods contain what nutritients, what quantities make my body feel good, and what quantities make it feel awful. I know what foods bring a smile to my face, and what foods I couldn't care less about. I know how to shop and cook. And, thank God, I live in an area where there are stores of such abundance of fresh produce, whole grains, and high quality protein. Thank God I have the resources to shop like that, and the wisdom to shop like that.

I'm planning on going out in a few minutes to top off my groceries with some free range, anti-biotic free chicken for dinner tonight - I did a huge produce shopping yesterday. It's going to be a snowy day tomorrow so I'm planning a lot of cooking to get me through the week. My classes have begun again and I am back to work full time. I do love the saying "If you fail to plan you plan to fail." As much as I am experiencing a new freedom here, I'm not eating on the fly - that would just be foolishness. (Or as Niecey says on Clean House: Mayhem and Foolishness...) If I am stocked with the healthy foods my family and I love I should be okay! I am going to keep the faith!

Samida

Let's keep it short

2010-01-13T11:40:00.005-05:00

One of the reasons I tended not to blog as often as I would like is that I made each entry a soul searching look into my clockworks. I don't want to get away from that as it helps me, and it seems to be what sings to the people who are reading it, but I also want to lighten up just a bit, too. So I picked today to blog, as my time is limited, and I can't keep this window open for too long.

Well, first of all, maybe it's not going to be that short afterall. Now that I think of it. I wanted to talk today about having faith and hope. Michaelangelo once wrote that the problem we humans face is not that we have hopes that are too high and we don't reach them, but that we have have hopes that are too low and we do. I'm going through a few things right now that would normally tend to trigger some very serious emotional eating. Normally I would have the low hopes and reach them (well as long as I don't eat ALL that I'm okay). Now I've set my hopes and standards higher. Last night I was going through some particularly dark thoughts but I wasn't turning to food. A lot of things came up that startled me - had I turned to food as I usually do I would have diverted those thoughts by eating then further diverted them by beating myself up because I ate too much. It was quite an experience to just sit quietly with the emotions and thoughts and see where they would go. A very new - and scary - experience. I went into the evening setting my hopes high that I wouldn't run to the kitchen past having dinner. I am happy to report that I met those hopes. Had I set them lower - I would have met those too.

And what is faith? Faith is the song the songbird sings before the dawn. I don't know where that comes from, but it is so perfect (I am sure I heard it in a Wayne Dyer lecture, I just can't put my finger on it). This has nothing to do with religion or anything like that. It's just having simple faith that the sun will come up, that one foot in front of the other will take you forward, or that the force that beats your heart beats mine. That step of faith also helps get through emotional eating. One of my favorite sayings is: If the problem isn't hunger, food won't fix it. I had to have faith last night that facing what was bothering me was the better road to take than drowning my sorrows in food. I also had to have faith that things will work out and no amount of eating will change the results, except, of course, make me fatter when I face it next time.

So I think that unearthing the concepts of hope and faith are wonderful tools to conquer emotionally charged eating. I am happy to report that around 3AM I realized that I was truly hungry, but somehow got myself to sleep without eating. I was ravenous at breakfast - and feeling much better too. Problems still there and I didn't have to add beating myself up to the list.

Keep the faith!
Samida

Oh my gosh - what a difference a day makes

2010-01-10T13:07:00.005-05:00

.... or a month or two! I just came back to my blog and saw that I did not post since October. A lot has happened - including rotator cuff surgery. Right now my recovery is passive aggressive (lol): when I go to physical therapy I just lay there while my arm is stretched beyond belief, working on range of motion. I haven't graduated to actually doing anything myself, like working with weights and pulleys. But, hopefully that will start this week. (Boy, and I thought my knees were my problem!) I'm looking forward to driving this week but alas, that signals the end of my glorious month and half at home. I don't know... call me lazy but I did NOT tire of watching Law & Order reruns 24/7. I really wasn't allowed to do much other movement... my therapist put the nix on the rebounder and the bike or treadmill. At one point she did okay short slow walks but that's when the snow hit, and then she put the kibash on that too. Oh well... what's a fat girl to do?

The first 3-4 weeks my husband, bless his heart, did all the cooking - and, to his credit, made everything healthy. However, he was so happy to take care of me that he made 2-3 meals per meal. Example: One Friday night: Shish kebab, kafta, seafood scampi, lentil stew, hommos & babaghanoush, green salad and grilled potatoes and onions. ALL on the table. ALL at once. Let's just say that the 10 or so pounds I've gained was not from quality it was from quantity. Last week I felt well enough to make my own grocery list and plan a couple of recipes. And the other day I had my son drop me off and I actually did the grocery shopping myself. My husband and son shopped whatever I asked them to and cooked whatever I asked them to, but I missed the personal involvment in my own food preparation. Call me crazy again... but I LOVE grocery shopping! Once in a while I get sick of planning and preparation, but for the most part, what can I say... I love the kitchen - in all its aspects!

I'm hoping (but sad) to go to work a couple of days this coming week - that will at least get me out of the house and away from the kitchen for more than the one hour per day I go to physical therapy. I have also started my belly dance classes (hey - nothing wrong with my hips!) and that has introduced some activity back into my days. Once I am driving, back to work on a regular schedule, and have a set PT schedule I can look into adding other things to my day. I'm thinking of rejoining the FitRec center where I work to at least use the treadmill or bike and the hot tub, and work on some of the aquatherapy on my own. Not being 5 giant steps from the kitchen all day will help too.

Boy - how hopeful and happy I was in October. How far the mighty (happy) have fallen...

I look forward to restarting this blog as well.

Thanks for sticking by!

Pruning and Peace

2009-10-18T12:51:00.006-04:00

Hi everyone! Thank you for showing your concern with my absence. I've had so much going on lately that blogging, unfortunately is the first thing to be pruned from my list of activities when I find that I am just overwhelmed and need some breathing space. I think that is one of the secrets to a successful weight loss, actually. Recognizing what stressors there are in your life, and either eliminating them, if possible, or eliminating extraneous, but not necessary stressful, things from your life so that you can have the time and "wherewithall" to deal with the things that need attention. It is a skill I am learning to recognize and practice. The "inflammation" of the stressors has subsided a bit (although still there), so once again I can turn to things that I enjoy - keeping this blog being one of them!

Let me fill you in on some physical things. I have to nix the "Princess Half Marathon." I spoke to my orthopedist and he said that if I do it, I might as well schedule a knee replacement right now, since I will need one upon my return if I do it. I have overcome a lot with my osteoarthritis, including continuing with my dance lessons and performances, but a 1/2 marathon, apparently, is where my body would draw the line. He said that I could do the 1/2 marathon, as long as I took a whole day to do it, and stopped for refreshment and rest every couple of miles. But, to do it as a race... no way. I'm not sure I"m ready to give up yet. I will make the decision when it is time to register. If I wear my brace and carry my ice packs there's a chance.... lol

I also found out that I have a completely torn rotator cuff, and will be needing surgery. I have scheduled the surgery for December, and my understanding is that I will have to wear a sling for 6 weeks, and "look forward" to a 6 month recovery, with PT and restrictions. I don't mind the surgery or the recovery - what actually made me most sad is that I had to cancel my participation in the wonderful reunion that some great gals from one of the DWLZ message boards will be having in Orlando in December. I could have waited for my surgery till after the reunion, but that is one of the pruning decisions I had to make.

However - the bright spot is that, knowing I am having surgery in six weeks, I am extremely motivated to eat healthy (and sparingly) so I will be in the best shape possible before surgery. (That, and several weeks at home, mostly spent in bed, means that I am in even more danger of having my weight loss stagnate, so I want a head start now.)

There is something "strange" that has come over me in the past few days. Just a sense of peace - I don't know how else to put it. I was operating at a breaking point for several weeks, and I just realized that I cannot do that to myself anymore. The upcoming surgery is the least of the stressors in my life the past month or so, but somehow, scheduling it, actually looking forward to it, and knowing that I have to take better care of myself, sort of put a period on the end of 2009.

I think that one thing that has contributed to this peaceful feeling is that I have unearthed some of my hypnosis CDs. I have several from Positive Changes, and Wendy Freisan's program, "The Zen of Thin." Then, one of my DWLZ friends shared with me her Paul McKenna CDs ("I can make you thin") and just listening to those at bedtime, or anytime I feel the stress build up, has helped tremendously. I'm not so sure if they have helped with weightloss, but they sure do make me calm. My friend said something funny about being on the Paul McKenna program today: "I don't always stop when I'm full, and I don't always eat exactly what my body is craving... but I sure do have down the eating when hungry part!"

I was chatting with another friend the other day about making an effort to eat more naturally (intuitive eating, I can make you thin, any of those programs). I was telling her how freeing it is to actually trust my own body for a change instead of eating according to external cues and rules. When I saw her again she asked if I was still feeling free. I said (at the time) I wasn't. I was so caught up in my stressors, so that even having rules about having no rules felt like too much. But, since I have let go and calmed down, it's all falling into place again. I stand by my very first posts about eating "core-like." Add to that not eating according to external cues and diet plans, honoring my hunger (at both ends - when I'm hungry and when I'm full), and having exactly what I want, has been making a big difference.

The first few days I gave myself permission to be a little wild - but that was part of the process... as long as I didn't eat to full. Eventually I have gravitated back to salads, good fats and oils, and some of my most favorite WW recipes. I've also started eating from small dishes and putting down my fork (or food) between bites. What concepts! lol - I haven't been on the scale - according to the journal I'm keeping, check-in day is tomorrow but I am going to wait until the end of October. I am going to weigh in only once a month. It's enough.

Until then, my sole goal is to keep the peace with my mind and my body. Anything else is just ... gravy!

One Day at a Time

2009-09-14T12:58:00.004-04:00

Goodness gracious! I didn't think it had been so long since I last posted. A new (school) year is always so busy for me... and I don't even have little ones at home anymore! My first classes started last week, and tonight I go into full swing. That means three days in a row of packing breakfast, lunch and dinner - but the bright side is, that as long as I stay away from vending machines, I can't eat what I don't pack! I'm hoping to take Qi Gong on Thursday nights and if that materializes I'll be packing four days. Of course I have to be on guard that I don't go bonkers Friday, Saturday and Sunday, but with my new philosophy "ODAAT" I will deal with those days when I get to them. One Day at a Time of course is not a new way of approaching problems (of any sort), but I've never actually put it into practice before. It goes hand in hand with "It's the Journey not the Destination that will get you where you need to go."

Actually - to digress (but not that much) I heard something very funny about the journey/destination comment. I do believe that I heard it while listening to one of my Wayne Dyer CDs (if I find out otherwise I'll let you know). He said that if the destination were more important than the journey, we would all pile into the concert hall with the finest symphony orchestra on the stage, with Beethoven's 9th symphony on the program. The orchestra would only play the last note, then get up and leave. I thought it was such a colorful and thoughtful example to illustrate the point!

But back to my new ODAAT outlook. I had been struggling somewhat this past week with sweets - normally not my downfall, mostly because I don't have them around the house. Labor Day weekend we had made a trip to Montreal to visit relatives and while there made our pilgrimage to our favorite Lebanese bakery in St. Laurent, Andalos Bakery. OMG we came home with pounds of pastries, dozens of bags of pita bread, meat pies, candy, nuts, cookies, etc. The cookies that I had intended to eat one by one with tea every night were finished in four days. The pastries that I vowed not to touch were almost finished in as long. I finally got ahold of myself and the last few are still sitting in the fridge, hardening as we speak. The bread I can ignore. Sigh... Oh well - not a total derailment, just a short detour around the block.

So Saturday I said to myself - no more sugar and no more processed foods. The thought of doing this for the rest of my life not only is totally unrealistic, it's not necessary. I woke up Sunday morning and said to myself: Just for today I will not eat sugar and I will not eat any other (highly) processed foods (I am having FF dairy and once a day some organic low-processed half and half or cream in my one coffee). JUST FOR TODAY. Each time I thought of having something (and I'm not just talking about the goodies from Montreal - I have all sorts of lunch "goodies" for my son's lunch, and my husband keeps his own stash of candy and cookies) I said to myself: "I can have it tomorrow if I still want it, but not today." The other ODAAT goal was not to eat after dinner. Again, when I wanted to eat after dinner I said to myself, "I can eat after dinner tomorrow night if I want, but not tonight." I don't have to worry about the rest of my life, I just have to meet my commitment to the current 24-hour goal(s).

Just to let you know what I ate/packed today: As I walked out the door at 6:45am to take my son to work I had a hard boiled egg, and a small square of core blueberry cake (the recipe is on dwlz website). When I got to work I had kasha that I had made yesterday with onions and peppers, and topped it with one slice of WW american cheese, and my coffee. For lunch I had a beautiful salad with grilled salmon, cantaloupe and popcorn. For a snack I had FF Greek yogurt with cinnamon (which I have figured out is just like the Lebanese labne, just a little looser). For dinner I have packed my lentil salad and will have that with the rest of my lunch salad, and a peach. I'm not going to worry now whether or not I will be hungry when I get home around 10. If I am I will chop up an apple and sprinkle it with chopped walnuts and raisins. One must be flexible -- not eating after dinner is a good rule if I'm home; not such a good rule if I have eaten early, then been teaching for two hours, arriving home bona-fide hungry! Remember in one of my posts I mentioned "being Core-like" - this is an example of one of those days. I sort of had fun with the journey last night in packing all my food for today and getting it ready for tomorrow. It's not even a challenge - that would be a fight not a journey! It's - how can I make this fun and interesting, and enjoy what I eat and what combinations I put together?

The other "journey-odaat" thing I wanted to share is that I had been to my orthopedist a couple of weeks ago. He said that if I want to do the Princess Half-Marathon in Disney in 2011 I might as well schedule a knee replacement for when I get back. He doesn't think my knees could take the torture of a half-marathon. However, and with a sense of humor, he said I can certainly follow the route - just make sure I stop every couple of miles to sit and enjoy the view, but the pounding of trying to make time would just about destroy what's left of my knee. And since I don't plan to give up dancing any time soon I am certainly not considering surgery. I thought about that for a long while - of course feeling sorry for myself, yet somewhat relieved because now I have permission not to train - which I translated as permission not to exercise!

However, I got to thinking about applying the "journey-odaat" mindset to this. I may never get to the destination of the 1/2 marathon in the manner I want to do it, but that doesn't mean that I can't thoroughly enjoy the journey. So, this morning I strapped on my pedometer and went for a beautiful walk along the Charles River (in Boston) before sitting at my desk to start my day. I got in 5,000 steps. My goal is to make the walk every morning, then, as often as possible, repeat it later in the day. I have to say I loved every step of it (although with just that short walk my knees ached and the tendinitis in my foot flared something awful). However, even with that, I'm thinking that maybe the doctor is NOT correct... A lot can change in 18 months, one step at a time, one day at a time.

What you think about expands. I am going to think about healthy knees, healthy weight, completing 1/2 marathons (without stopping every 2 miles!), and maybe some extra money in my pocket!

Wishing you all a great journey - ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Awareness

2009-08-28T10:58:00.007-04:00

A group of us at DWLZ have started a book club to discuss the book I mentioned in my prior post by Joyce Meyer. We haven't even gotten through the foreword and introduction yet, and already I have noticed some major changes in things that have been plaguing me for years. The questions that were pertinent for me were: How valuable are you? When putting our mind and heart on the past instead of the future, what is the result? When is looking to the past valuable? What stands in your way of taking care of yourself NOW? What is your personal story? What are your choices in how you present yourself?

I already shared with you some of my personal history. What I didn't share was that I also was the subject of verbal abuse which left me with a poor self-image and feeling of not being valuable or worthwhile. I took a lot of solace in night-time eating after everyone had gone to bed. I think there were a lot of reasons for that - that I wasn't worthy enough to enjoy something in front of everyone, at the time it was served; sneaked food provided comfort and solace - it was something I was in control of, as opposed to not having control with what I was apportioned while people were watching and other people were serving; it relieved the stress and anxiety of the day; maybe it even made me feel a little naughty since I was allowed no slack during the day. I am sure there are other and many reasons. But, when I put this into writing, something clicked. In the one week I have started peeling the layers off the onions in my life, my night-time eating has all but ceased. The other night I was actually hungry, but the thought of going into the kitchen and getting something didn't resonate with me so I didn't. As they say about a switch: once you turn it on and there is light, there is light - no matter how little. And it's a start.

With regard to spending too much time looking in the past, I believe this has gotten in my way of finding the way I can successfully lose weight. I think that I get hung up on: “I’ve dieted in the past and it hasn’t helped.” (Well yes it has, I have lost weight, but never kept it off.) I think if I keep saying to myself “this will never work,” “this will be the same as it always has been,” “I’m doomed not to lose weight,” “I’m doomed to not keep off what little I have taken off,” then I will never move forward. We all know the sayings: “If you do what you’ve always done you’ll get what you always got.” “Doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.”

If this is the case, then why do people (most notably those who have followed WW - any of their programs - or who have calorie counted) return to the same ways and expect different results? Maybe the results were what we wanted (a weight loss) but obviously the LONG term results are not what we want for ourselves – otherwise we wouldn’t be here right now looking for a new answer. Maybe the answer lies not so much in the program we are following, but in HOW we follow the program. I think that’s where it can be valuable to look to the past – to see what has worked – but it is NOT valuable to think that is all that is needed… obviously it isn’t. So far, with my new awareness, I have been able to shape a new eating plan for myself. I have been successful - but we are just talking a few weeks here... not the lifetime that has already passed or the lifetime that is ahead of me. My goal is to be totally open to adjustments as I go along, and not to dig my heels into the quicksand of "I'm sticking with this no matter what!" We all have to remember that it's not the wake that drives the boat - that is what is left behind as we go forward. Also - if you drive looking in the rearview mirror you really won't get too far - plus you'll have a lot of accidents! I choose RIGHT NOW to look forward and take the curves and turns based on what I see before me. I will not apologize for any turns or twists I make in my "program." I will forge ahead.

In looking at the question of what is standing in the way of taking care of myself NOW, the only answers have been excuses, plain and simple. "I'm busy," "I'm frustrated," "My knees hurt," "My shoulders hurt," "I don't wanna..." BUT then I looked at the question: "What are your choices in how you present yourself?" and everything - I mean everything - changed. I got a new hairdo last week (my husband is still traumatized) and it makes me feel lighter and younger and there's a spring in my step that wasn't there the week before. It takes all of 5 minutes to use a curling iron to give it bounce (as opposed to the 30 seconds it took to pull it back in a ponytail) and once my hair is done I feel like dressing nicely, and just putting it all together. Then, because I look nice, and feel great, it seems as though I have just more general awareness of what I am eating, how I am eating, and the quantity I am eating. Also - does the food taste good? Is it what I really want? Once I was happier with the way I presented myself to the world (or even just to myself!) these other things seemed to matter more too.

This has just been an incredibly fruitful week. For a long time I was thinking that I should seek out the help of a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. I could not understand why I keep doing the same things over and over again, even though I know they don't get me anywhere. I couldn't understand why I was standing in my own way? This past week of reading and deep introspection, I think, has hurdled me forward in my journey more than months of therapy might (or might not) have done. So my advice to you is this: Be honest with yourself; do some deep soul searching and introspection; peel the layers off the onion and be brutally honest with your childhood memories. For many of you it will just be that you've gotten careless with your eating over the years, or aren't fully aware of nutrition facts, or that you have let your life get so "crazy" that there is no time for home cooked meals or exercise. But I think for many more, it's the deeper issue - where it's not about the food - where you love the food and refuse to understand that it does not love you back. There as many "issues" as there are people - be honest with yourself and find out what yours is. And, when you get to it - don't believe it for a minute - go deeper... you'll find it!

What keeps us keeping on?

2009-08-21T10:39:00.010-04:00

I've mentioned that I have a nice group of cyberfriends on the DWLZ message boards. Yesterday's discussion was about stalled weight loss and why we get in our own way - especially when we have been successfully on the path downward. The discussion went from waiting for the "big moment" when everything clicks, to the concept of "little moments" with the small choices we make every day, day in and day out. I've already talked about secondary gain - and how sometimes being overweight shields us from having to face what being thin will do to us. I have very concrete things that being fat shields me from and I did share some of those. However, sometimes it's not shielding, it just maintaining the comfort level.

I think both are at work on me. With regard to comfort level - my weight does not keep me from doing anything I want to do: I'm the first one jumping in the pool, I have a husband who (after 30 years) is still thrilled to see me walk in a room, I've been in 5K races, my blood work is within normal range, I have extremely glam clothing, and I'm a professional belly dancer for goodness sake! Why on earth would I move from the comfort of all this, along with the comfort of eating what I want and the comfort of not exercising, to the WORK of a lifestyle change that means monitoring what I eat and actually doing real exercise?

To tell you the truth I'm not sure myself sometimes. I would like to LOOK better, but vanity just really doesn't do it for me. I think my reason for wanting to lose weight lies in the medical reasons. My blood work, as I said, is normal but there is very little wiggle room, and that does scare me. You can't take back diabetes. Once you have it you always have it. You can control it but you have it. I have an aunt who died from complications of diabetes, and the shame of it is that this IS something you do to yourself (Type II) - why would you take something as perfect as the human body and destroy it like that? I had a cardiac cath procedure last summer as the doctor was afraid I had a heart attack (it wasn't - it was heart damage which the cardiologist thought was caused by a virus) and my arteries were clear. I've also had other arterial screening done over the years and it has always come back clean. BUT, it takes a statin to keep my cholesterol in check and my triglycerides are high (although hundreds of points lower than they were years ago). I would like to maintain a healthy cholesterol without the statin, which potentially could introduce a whole range of problems itself. I have severe osteoarthritis in my knees, and once in a while there is a twinge in my hip. Gee whiz - do you think I ought to lose weight even though I have glam clothes and don't cower at the sight of a bathingsuit?

Maybe as I do lose weight, vanity will take it's rightful place in the equation. However, the favorite quote "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" never resonated with me. I've never been thin so what the heck do I know? I know that cheesecake DOES taste good. A sizzling steak with ALL the fat in tact DOES taste good. A bowl of Thanksgiving stuffing with a side of mashed potatoes DOES taste good. Who are we kidding? But this lifestyle change, being "Core-like," doesn't have to be the fight of our lives. So does lentil salad, and spinach casserole, and grilled seafood, and fresh salad taste good. So does garden vegetable soup, and sauteed spinach with garlic and onions, and eggplant parmesian made with fat-free cheeses and sauce, taste good.

I think that if we dig our heels in and FIGHT, instead of going with the flow, that we are only digging our heels into quicksand. From How Stuff Works: "With quicksand, the more you struggle in the faster you will sink. If you just relax, your body will float in it because your body is less dense than the quicksand...If you step into quicksand, it won't suck you down. However, your movements will cause you to dig yourself deeper into it." From what I have observed, the dieters who are fighting and struggling with this whole staying-on-program: "food is fuel - nothing else" sort of outlook are doomed to sink. They may be successful in losing weight - I am not knocking sticking to a diet program at all; but I think at some point, the fight goes out of them or they become so trapped in the diet, that they can't go with the flow when life demands it. (PLEASE keep in mind that I am just using an "editorial they" - I am talking absolutely from my OWN experience.)

As a matter of fact, within my "Core-like" eating, still lies a program. I am NOT eating a 2-pound steak with fat attached, the garlic mashed potatoes with REAL butter, fresh French bread - also with butter, salad with REAL dressing, and a full dessert to top it off. My program is to eat "normal" portions, cut out fat, sugar, processed flour and foods, etc. My program does NOT include cutting out food that I like. It does NOT include fighting to stay within terribly strict limits and totally doing without. It DOES mean adjustments - substituting foods that are not as horrible for my body for things that are unhealthy. It DOES mean watching portions. It DOES mean totally enjoying everything that goes into my mouth, and enjoying it with family and friends. Having said all that, I will also NOT cut out foods entirely - there is room for a piece of birthday cake, fudge on the boardwalk, ice cream at the beach, chips on the side. Just it's the end of stealthily finishing up the birthday cake that was already put in the freezer, eating a whole pound of fudge (who can do that, you say? look no further than the author of this blog), eating a half gallon of ice cream (ditto), or eating a whole large bag of chips in one night's TV viewing.

One of my DWLZ friends yesterday quoted from Acedia & Me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life by Kathleen Norris, when we were talking about starting over every day if we have to. "Abba Moses asked Abba Sylvanus, 'Can a man lay a new foundation every day?' The old man said, 'If he works hard, he can lay a new foundation at every moment.' " I think there are no truer words than this, especially when you are ready to give up on your eating plan.

When I teach my students I always take tremendous pride in the fact that I do not produce cookie-cutter dancers. There used to be a teacher in NYC and when we saw his dancers dance we always said "Oh, there's another Bobby-girl" because she had a different body, face, and costume, but it might as well have been their teacher dancing. I tell my students: "What I am giving you here with these lessons is a strong solid foundation. Once you have the foundation built, and the walls up, you can pick your own furniture, your own floor coverings, your own paint and wallpaper; you can pick your own kitchen appliances, what you cook and when you eat. But you can have none of that if the foundation cracks or sinks into the ground."

I am challenging you, if you are fighting or struggling, to lay a new foundation at this very moment. You can wallpaper it with Points or Filling Foods, or Calorie Counting, or Grazing, or Plate Division, or any other sensible eating program out there. But you won't have walls without cracks if you don't work on your foundation. Take a look now into your secondary gains, into your comfort zones, into what will work for your family, into what can be done to make this convenient and fun, into what are good solid reasons for you to lose weight, into whether you can do your program for the long term (not necessarily for life - we all change and need eating programs that change with us), etc. Make your pro and con list. See what your budget and time will allow. Lay your foundation - every minute of every day, by eating with awareness and not mindlessly reaching for food. When you go to reach for that food, stop and reflect: Is it really hunger, or am I avoiding something else? If your family won't make changes with you (regardless of your crafty and sly substitutions) make your own meals as often as possible.

So, what I got from yesterday's discussion is exactly this: Everyone's foundation is different. Some of us are building on quicksand. Some have solid foundations. Some of us will never move as long as we live. Some of us like where we are but like to change the furniture around a lot. Some of us live in large houses, and some of us live in tiny houses. Some of us live in mass-produced housing, some live in hand-made log houses. I think the point is that we each do what works for us and what is pleasant for us. However, when the house no longer works for us (too confining or too big), is no longer pleasant (can't stand that furniture and wallpaper any longer), or there are cracks in the walls and foundation then, by golly, it might be time to actually go house hunting instead of sinking more money and time into the house you do have. Of course, it could just be that a few repairs and rearranging will take care of everything. You are the only one who knows that. But, be honest and take stock. Move or repair? It's up to you!

p.s. I rearrange my furniture A LOT!!!!!!! You will get to know that from me by my blogging and posts at DWLZ - I never give up trying to find just the right "look."

p.p.s. Does anyone who uses blogspot know how I can put recipes in the margins instead of as part of the regular post? Thanks!

Back from Staycation!

2009-08-17T16:15:00.006-04:00

Hello everyone! Boy did I miss blogging - all these thoughts swirling around my head, no outlet for them... Hope I can retrieve at least a few! Let's just say that many things we (my family and I) do are food related, and this week was no exception. We have friends who come visit every summer, and the visit starts months earlier with planning the menu -- not what we are going to do, but what we are going to eat! This year was the healthier one of our visits - with plenty of fresh fruit, salads, and all sorts of wonderful vegetarian options throughout the day (to make up for all the steak, lobsters and other seafood that we were consuming at dinner). No sooner did company leave than hubby and I took a day trip which, of course included a picnic then lobster later in the day at our favorite place in Rockport (MA). Then the next day, no sooner did I say goodbye to hubby for him to leave to go to back to his first evening of work, than I headed out the door by myself to have dinner with friends! My goodness... however shall I lose weight? Rest assured, though, I did no damage! I had my wits about me and ate within reason.

Well - in the midst of all this visiting and eating and visiting and eating, I picked up a marvelous book. If you've read my earlier entries you know that I have a penchant for self-help books and "diet" books, so when I tell you this maybe is the most helpful one I have ever read, you will understand the depth of my appreciation of it. (And, by the way, I make no apologies - I will NOT give up on myself!) The author is Joyce Meyer. The title is: "Look Great Feel Great: 12 Keys to Enjoying a Healthy Life Now." The disclaimer is that Joyce is a minister so there are some scripture references in the book. I am not of a Christian religion and I did not find them offensive or overwhelming at all.As a matter of fact, in many cases, they enhanced what she was saying - look at all the sayings we have that actually do come from scripture - so they aren't out of place regardless of your beliefs (or non-beliefs). Keys include: Learning to Love Your Body, Balanced Eating, Mindful Eating, De-Stress, and Take Responsibility. Even the introduction is loaded with worthwhile information and a lot of things to think about in relation to your own life. What I like about this book is that it ties so beautifully into my last posting which was all about taking action. With the keys are specific examples and suggestions to take action - not just to THINK about taking action.

I jumped around throughout the book then started back at the beginning (and plan to re-read it again with a highlighter in hand). Right now I am working my way through "De-Stress" and it really is making me examine my life and howthis particular key relates to my overeating. Well, since the chapter is "De-Stress" I have to say that I am not WORKING my way through it, I am FROLICKING my way through it (as you can see above!). I make myself busy every minute of every day. I make myself stressed. I make myself crazy with activity. I make myself fat. I mean, forget the whole cortesol and adrenaline connection to staying fat (and OMG Joyce has the best explanation that I have EVER read) - I keep myself too busy to allow myself to do mindful eating and too busy to enjoy every bite. So my action for this step is that I took time each and every day last week - admist the chaos of visitors, meals, traveling, etc. - to take time for myself. I either read, or as in the case of today - actually took a nap, which thwarted the usual tendency to eat as soon as I walk in the door from work. I also spent time going through some recipes (which is not new action) but I made them - which is new - not that I am not cooking all the time, but I don't often take the time to try new things or go back to some old favorites.

Speaking of recipes - I wanted to start to add them to this blog. I haven't quite figured out how to post things in the margins rather than the main blog, so to start out I will put this one right here: Lentil Salad: no measuring, no specific recipe, but here is what I do:

Take a medium-sized sauce pan. Pour in lentils. (I don't know how much - maybe a one-pound package or 3 or 4 handfuls if you have them bulk?). Add chopped onions and garlic. (I don't know how much - lol!). Cover with water and bring to boil, then cover pan and reduce heat until the water is absorbed. The lentils will still have a bit of a "bite" to them - resist adding more water (I did that and had to turn the whole thing into lentil soup instead). While they are cooking then cooling, chop up a "mess" of crunchy vegetables. I use carrots, celery, peppers (all colors), radishes, and scallions to start. If you can think of anything else crunchy be my guest. When the lentils have cooled (take them out of the pan and spread them on a flat plate to speed the process, or just keep stirring them to bring up the hot ones from the bottom) put them and the veggies into a big bowl to toss. I usually toss with olive oil and vinegar (balsamic doesn't work here - use a red or white vinegar for this) but yesterday I tossed with a lite Italian dressing and it was wonderful. Oh! and if you feel like it, add a cup or two of brown rice. We served that several ways this week: on romaine lettuce leaves - so you just had to pick up the leave and eat it that way; plain; and today I put it on a green salad - I just added a touch more vinegar and tossed for a complete meal.

So - what does lentil salad have to do with anything? I was listening to one of my favorite speakers (Wayne Dyer) and he was talking about organized religion. He was saying, don't be a Christian- be Christ-like. Don't be Buddist - be Buddha-like. Don't be Moslem - be Mohammed-like. And what does THAT have to do with lentil salad? I've returned to following Core for several weeks now, and I've come to the conclusion that I don't want necessarily to be a "Corer," I want to be Core-like. It means that I want to eat healthy and natural. It means I want to honor my hunger and fullness. It means I want to watch my portion sizes, and not eat everything on my plate if I am not hungry for it, but go for seconds if I am (real hunger - not the emotional "I need another Ring-Ding" hunger). It means I want to eat a little, then assess if I am still tasting the food or am still hungry for it. It means not eating what does not really taste good (can't believe I threw out an ear of corn the other day because it wasn't sweet).

That's all being a "Corer" but what is Core-like? It means doing all that AND not obsessing over a departure from the Core list of foods. Last night we had a salad that was tossed with walnuts, raisins, and full-fat feta cheese. I didn't take aside my portion before dressing it that way for the table; I did not knock off 3 or 4 flex points in case that's how much I ate. I enjoyed the salad - my portion of it - raisins and walnuts and feta cheese and all! I probably ate half as much last night (of the salad and of everything being served) because I honored my hunger and appetite (appetite is not a dirty word, by the way) and was satisfied with just small portions of everything, and no seconds of anything.

So - even though it so happens the lentil salad IS core, I am using it for a point because I enjoy cooking without necessarily measuring everything (or if I do measure, I like not figuring out every single point). If I had tossed it with oil instead of the low calorie dressing, I would not have felt an obsessive need to measure the oil then take that big bowl of salad (which is a different size each time I make it) figure out how much it was, divide it by servings, then take exactly one serving so that I could make sure I was not consuming more than 2 tsps of "free" oil. Get my point? I think if you are new to dieting, or REALLY off the deep end, then you have to disregard everything I've said. But for someone like me - who has been dieting for so many years (by my math it's been 40 years since my first WW meeting, and I started dieting years before that), could write her own diet book, and is sick of it all, that being Core-like might just work.

But you have to trust yourself. I'm learning now to trust myself. I am someone who has not been eating mindfully, has been making poor choices, and who has brought so much stress into her life that there has been no time to make me a priority. Isn't that so much kinder than saying I am lazy or stupid or addicted? I think being kind to myself and having patience to learn new (but not so new - they are right under the surface) ways of eating and looking at food is the way to go here. Welcome to my journey!

On Vacation :O)

2009-08-04T10:27:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone - I just wanted to let you know that I'm not another crash-and-burn blogger! I am just not going to be able to give this the attention it deserves over the next couple of weeks. If I can gather some coherent thoughts and find some computer time I will post. I will probably not be updating this until the week of August 17th.
Thank you all for checking in!
Samida

A real decision is measured by the fact that you've taken a new action. If there's no action, you haven't truly decided. - Tony Robbins

2009-07-31T11:11:00.004-04:00

Hi everyone! I've been thinking about why this time is going to be different for me. Yesterday I was looking up quotes to put in my belly dance newsletter and I turned to one of my favorite motivators, Tony Robbins, and came across the one I have used as a title for today's blog.

I spend a lot of time in various weight loss chat rooms, and people always come in lamenting "I want to lose weight," "I'm ready to lose weight," "I really do mean it," etc. After listening for a while I usually always come to the conclusion that, although I don't doubt they really really want it and they are really really ready, that wishing does not make it so. Their words aren't followed by action. There is one "chatter" who comes in each time saying: "I hate vegetables and I won't eat anything but cucumbers and lettuce. I want to eat whatever I want, I don't care about nutrition. Why haven't I lost weight after 5 days - I'm giving this a week then I'm not following WW anymore. And, by the way, I don't want to spend money on a meeting to find out what it is all about - I want you all just to tell me." Is there really any truth to the very first statement, "I'm ready to lose weight"... hmmm?

I'm not picking on just this one person, but she is a stellar example of inertia trumping action, even though the desire might be there. And it's a perfect example of the fact that a REAL decision has NOT been made. The reason I am not really picking on her (but rather using her for an example) is that not only do I see my old self in her, but I understand being in the stage of thinking that wishing and desiring is enough to bring about action. Thinking about it is not enough - you must take action. Thoughts not followed by action really isn't action.

I also get frustrated when people say they need motivation. No you don't. Well, not in the way most people define motivation. My definition of motivation is just the realization that I must keep on keeping on, and that success will follow - it HAS to. I think what people need is faith. Faith that if you keep eating and exercising that it will pay off. Knowing that it will - isn't that motivation enough? I think that people have just lost sight of the payoff. Is it to provide a good example to your children and provide them with the healthiest upbringing you can give them? Is it to turn around blood test scores? Is it to get weight off your knees and hips? Is it to not be afraid of the camera anymore? Is it just because you are sick and tired of being sick and tired? It's not motivation you need, it's a direct sight-line to the payoff that you need.

When the payoff doesn't matter anymore, it's not motivation that you have to look for. It's a investigation into your secondary gain list. What is a secondary gain list? BE HONEST. I know I've had to be honest with myself. I thought about it - really REALLY thought about it: Look how much time dieting takes up in my life. I chat, I blog, I read diet and self-help books, I spend time looking for new recipes, shopping, cooking, complaining about aches and pains and how I'm sick of dieting. My secondary gain in this case is that I can continue with business as usual instead of actually doing other things with my time.

In my professional arena of being a dancer, I can always hide behind my fat instead of admitting that maybe I don't want to take a job, or go out at night, or be in a photo shoot, etc. etc. Maybe I can hide behind my fat instead of putting myself out there - where I really would be judged and gossiped about. My secondary gain is that I can hide behind my fat and blame it for EVERYTHING.

Would I really know who I am if I didn't have fat to get rid of? What would my life be like if I was a normal weight? That's sort of scary and another secondary gain. I've been overweight MY ENTIRE LIFE. Who would I be without it? The secondary gain: By staying fat, I can continue to do all things familiar; I can continue to be all things familiar; I can stay in a body that, with all its aches and pains is still comfortable enough to tolerate because it's familiar. My secondary gain is to use my fat to stay comfortable and familiar. I could go on and on, but in case you didn't understand the concept of secondary gain, I hope you do now. What is YOUR secondary gain in staying fat and coming up with all the excuses NOT to lose weight (even though you THINK you want to).

It's not that I don't have motivation or think it's unnecessary - I just think it's overrated! I think it's more important to explore our secondary gains which keep us from clearly seeing the payoffs and it's more important to have faith that if we follow the road the end will be there. But really - it's never an end, is it, and I think that is what scares us. Do we take the left fork or the right fork, or do we just run into the meadow that is ahead and trust that the sunshine and the flowers will make us happier than what we have grown to be comfortable with in our present bodies?

For many, unfortunately, it's not a sunny meadow. It's just coming to the end of that road and jumping into expressway traffic (come on, raise your hands, how many are scared to drive on 10 lane expressways). It's coming to the of that road and finding yourself in TOTALLY unfamiliar territory without a GPS to navigate you home (come on, raise your hands, how many hate to get lost?) - you get the point. But... maybe there really IS a meadow - you'll never know until you do get to the end of that road. Forget the motivation... even forget the faith. Just clear all that secondary gain stuff off the path and see where you DO go. Maybe the road itself is where you'll stay - it just will be a lot more pleasant without all that clutter, won't it???

Samida

CORE and NSVs

2009-07-29T12:53:00.000-04:00

Hi! First of all - thank you for all your kind comments (to me personally, but not published to the blog page) regarding my first post. I think one of my DWLZ friends said to me that this should be something I do for myself, and if anyone else reads it and finds it funny, uplifting or informative, so much the better. From the responses I have gotten, I think I rounded all the bases, so I'm very pleased I took the blog plunge. In order not to get blog burn-out I will try to post maybe every other day, so you can look for new entries "sort of" on that schedule.

Well - I have had three full days on CORE. It's funny what upping your protein and diminishing your processed foods can do for you. I am hardly ever hungry, and when I am, the choices are easy. I had forgotten how much I liked this program, so I am grateful I still have all the materials to do it. It will also be helpful when my son comes home in a few days, because we can just have loads of fruit, cut-up veggies, and grilled seafood, chicken and steaks. He also loves things like beans, lentils, whole grains, etc. - so it will be easy to make some nice side dishes. (When he was home last summer I switched from CORE to FLEX thinking that would help, but it didn't.)

Do ya'll know what NSVs are? They are Non-Scale Victories, and can be as powerful (or more so) than any scale victory. These past few days have been very stressful, and so my NSVs have been to NOT turn to food (not even CORE foods) when stressed. One of my favorite quotes is "If it's not hunger, food won't fix it." I have to tell you this is where CORE has been more helpful to me than the flex program. If I was stressed then I would look at how many points I had left for the day (since my stress eating is mostly at night when my defenses are down and I have dissolved into a puddle) - can I have ice cream? chips? left-over dinner? crackers? cereal? candy? How may flex points do I have left? With CORE, I say - hmm... will this hard boiled egg really make me feel better? Answer: Not in the way chocolate would! (Or the way I think it would.) Granted, I have the 35 points anyway with CORE, but they are more valuable. By the time I put cream in my coffee and sprinkle walnuts on my salad all 35 are accounted for. Granted, tearing into left over chicken or salad is CORE, but will that really solve anything or even make me feel better?

I guess that's why I find CORE actually easier. CORE food doesn't seem to be loaded with the emotions the way that cookies, candy, cake, bread, etc. are. I often said that I would binge on a head of lettuce if that was all there was. But truthfully - it's only a vehicle for the dressing - so if I don't have the dressing why would I eat the lettuce??? (I have a salad daily and so I really do love the stuff, but put into perspective, it's not something I would binge on.)

I remember when my daughter was a little girl she was crying about something (a broken heart or a skinned knee - I don't remember now) and I offered her a cookie. And she looked at me with such a weird expression. WHY would she want a cookie? I can't remember where I read the story, but another mother had a similar experience. Her daughter skinned her knee and the mother said - "Here, take this cookie" (to stop the crying) and the little girl took the cookie and put it on her knee. HMMM... when do we make the change from the little girl who puts a cookie onto a skinned knee to the big girl who stuffs her face with them over the same skinned knee? I am so incredibly grateful that I raised two children who would be the type to put the cookie on the skinned knee!

I'm a Tony Robbins fan and one thing he encourages people to do is to find FUN ways to approach challenging projects and situations. As I said in my first blog, this does not have to be all work and seriousness (approaching food only as fuel), so fun is the way I am approaching CORE this time. First of all, I may be one of the few, but I LOVE grocery shopping (I like any kind of shopping, but grocery shopping is my favorite!). I found a beautiful farmers-market type basket (example) that I had once bought and when I went to the market the other day, and instead of using one of their ugly plastic baskets, I brought my own to the store and pretended I was shopping at an outdoor market in Paris! Then I picked out a couple of nice recipes using ingredients that I didn't even have in the house, and made them. For lunch at work I packed a picnic basket instead of throwing stuff in a used plastic shopping bag for transport. I also "set" my desk - clearing off all my work and putting down a placemat and eating from dishes not containers. Okay okay - it's only the first week... how long will this last? Even if only for another week, I've shown myself that I don't have to just slosh fuel around! lol

I put a sign up with the date I think the Disney Princess Half-Marathon will be in 2011 (probably March 6th, if it's the same weekend as the 2010 marathon). I am so sorry that I won't be doing the 2010 one, but I am not ready to walk that many miles at the required pace, and besides I'm going to Disney this coming December to meet up with a wonderful group of DWLZ zonies! Talk about having fun while you are losing weight :) Going in December AND the following March is just a little too decadent - even if I could afford it!

Nothing to do with weight loss - but I am getting ready to send out my August belly dance newsletter. If anyone here is interested in receiving it please send me your email address (to amirajamal - at - yahoo - dot - com) and I will be happy to put your name on the list. You might not be a belly dancer but it might be nice to connect!

Have a great day, and I wish you all many NSVs!

Samida

Long Time Reader, First time Blogger

2009-07-27T10:54:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone. After much consultation with friends who do, and do not read blogs, I've decided to take the plunge. After much writing and then deleting, I've decided to stick with whatever comes out this morning. I wear many hats, as I am sure you all do: Mother, wife, employee - but I have two others: belly dance teacher and weight loss junkie. The belly dance teacher is self-explanatory (http://www.amirajamal.com) but what do I mean by weight loss junkie? Well... my mother dropped me off at a Weight Watchers meeting when I was 16 years old, in 1969. I think maybe once she sat in on a meeting with me, but for the most part, I attended on my own, and no changes were ever made to the household (as far as I can remember) - meaning that I had to fend for myself, following those awful old rules, of liver once a week, fish three times a week, no ketchup or mayo - some of you remember those days!

If I had only known then what I know now - that what I weighed then was actually below today's WW goal for my height. Let's not forget - those were the days of Twiggy, mini-skirts, and no "big girl" sized stores or fashions. I grew up always being the fat one, compared to my skinny sister (who, even today at 60 something, boasts an anorexic looking size zero body), and so began the life of low self-esteem and weight problems. My mother, who is 93, and absolute skin and bones, laments how she needs to lose 25 pounds. I'm downright healthy compared to those two! (I didn't mean to harp on all this, but I did promise myself not to delete anything today...)

Anyway - from a child with fat thighs (little did I know then that it wasn't a weight problem - it's what we, in our family, apparently now call "the Finkle thighs" - quite separate from total body weight) to a teenager plunked down in a WW meeting all alone with no family support, to a mother who did indeed believe in eating for two, to a 56 year old woman who's still carrying her baby weight (with her baby just turning 26), here I sit today. Still needing to lose weight, but now, admittedly way over any WW goal of any decade. Sigh............. All the dieting in the world didn't work - just made me fatter....

There are two definitions of "junkie" both of which fit me in the weight loss arena: (1): a person with insatiable craving for something and (2): an enthusiastic follower and devotee. I have tried almost every diet out there (except the most stupid of them) for each decade: Stillman, Atkins, Carbohydrate Addicts, Scarsdale, Beck, Intuitive Eating, South Beach, Perricone, Glycemic Index and Load, Ornish, Eat Drink and Be Healthy (this, by the way, was the smartest diet), Dr. Phil, Bob Greene, Food Pyramid (USDA and Mediterranean), low everything diet (one at a time, of course), etc. etc. To refresh my memory and to have a good laugh I visited http://www.everydiet.org/diets.htm -- perhaps I did NOT try them all! I also have dozens and dozens of self-help and motivational books and tapes... let's not limit ourselves to just diet books!

Yet, everything brings me back to Weight Watchers. However, why am I still doing battle? My daughter is very wise: She says that ANYTHING will work if you stick to it long enough (ahh... you mean four days hasn't matched the criterion for "long enough?") AND she also says that someone has to drop their end of the rope in a tug-of-war and walk away, otherwise no one really wins (the winners, alas, will fall down too). So, here I am today - dropping my end of the rope in the battle - not to give up, but to say: This is not working. Doing battle is not working. Fighting things is not working. Doing something that I cannot live with in the long term is not working. Denying myself and being hungry is not working. Being almost 57 and still shopping at the fat girls shop is not working. Feeling sorry for myself that I grew up with fat thighs and home-made clothes is not working. Never being picked for anything, and hating gym anyway and feeling bad about it, is not working.

There have to be better games than tug-of-war. I can still play and not have to fall in the mud whether I am the winner or the loser. Maybe I can actually NOT fall in the mud at all. Maybe I can just play. I think food can be fun and exciting - but I don't think all my fun and excitement has to come from it. I get the "food is fuel" part - that we should not let food be so emotionally charged, and also that if you drive around on crappy fuel without a full tank to begin with, you will not run at peak performance. But I don't think our experience with food has to be all work and no play. I don't think that just any old junky vehicle to get you from place to place is as good as a new car off the showroom floor. First of all, the repair bills go through the roof, you never know when it will break down, it looks crummy, and you can't feel that good tying your door shut with a bungie cord. AND, if people add up their repair bills and the cost of gas, along with the worry of breakdowns, you really will be spending more per month than if you just get a nice vehicle and maintain it. (No I'm not a car salesman, and neither is my husband - just saying that people think that putting good food in their body and staying healthy is more expensive than eating junk - and it's NOT.)

Okay - enough with the car analogy. But back to my point - I can have fun doing this, eat foods that I love, not go hungry, and socialize as much as I want even if food is involved. How do you ask, is this possible? Well, I looked back at everything and every diet I have ever followed, and I do believe - for me - that the old WW CORE is the way to go. I know about Momentum and Filling Foods, and those of you who are brand new to WW, don't even worry about what you may be missing with CORE - it's basically the same, but with a few tweaks. I've decided to do CORE rather than Filling Foods because, although I have the materials for both, I did follow CORE in the past and so I am comfortable with it's lists, recipes and rules.

But WHY is it going to be different this time? Because I say it is - that's why! I have re-acquainted myself with the message boards at Dottie's Weight Loss Zone: http://www.dwlz2.com/forum/ and the people there are the best support that I have ever had. (That is not to say that I haven't had other support - including my WW leader, Beth, and my husband and both my children - but I'm talking about group support that is constantly available whenever I need it!) We have a group on the forum "We Can!" and with daily postings by myself and my web friends, I can feel the surge of energy to face this every day and know that there are people that are facing it with me and can lend their support and suggestions as I go along. And, since teaching is the best learning, I also garner support for myself by supporting others.

Also - and thanks to Jeanne, a DWLZ supporter who posted: I did it! I am not waiting until I get to goal!!! who signed up to do a half-marathon, I am thinking of doing one myself. Half-marathons seem to be in the air because when I went to visit my most favorite blog by Heather, a WW leader: http://www.leadingtheweigh.com/ she posted that she is doing "Disney Princess 1/2 Marathon Weekend" in March. WELL - that's all I needed to hear! I have been in touch with Disney and you can walk it (as long as you walk within the 16 minute mile) and, as far as I know at this point, it is March 6, 2011. I have extremely bad knees and wear "hardware" braces, but I am going to aim for it! I found a beginner 1/2 marathon training schedule that works in one-week increments. If I do it in one-month increments I will still have plenty of time left over! A 5K (3 miles) just about does me in ... but I've never trained either... so who knows!

Just something clicked over the weekend. I can do this - CORE and train- AND have fun - eating and preparing the fresh foods that I love AND look forward to a goal which takes place at the "happiest place on earth" (ya'll can laugh - but I love WDW!).

Well - there's so much more... but I am going to end here (for now).

Wishing you all a great and FUN weight loss journey!
Samida

p.s. If you visit my site, please note that those were professional photographs with professionally done makeup and hair. I do not look like that in real life!!! I wish I did - but I don't!