Awareness

A group of us at DWLZ have started a book club to discuss the book I mentioned in my prior post by Joyce Meyer. We haven't even gotten through the foreword and introduction yet, and already I have noticed some major changes in things that have been plaguing me for years. The questions that were pertinent for me were: How valuable are you? When putting our mind and heart on the past instead of the future, what is the result? When is looking to the past valuable? What stands in your way of taking care of yourself NOW? What is your personal story? What are your choices in how you present yourself?

I already shared with you some of my personal history. What I didn't share was that I also was the subject of verbal abuse which left me with a poor self-image and feeling of not being valuable or worthwhile. I took a lot of solace in night-time eating after everyone had gone to bed. I think there were a lot of reasons for that - that I wasn't worthy enough to enjoy something in front of everyone, at the time it was served; sneaked food provided comfort and solace - it was something I was in control of, as opposed to not having control with what I was apportioned while people were watching and other people were serving; it relieved the stress and anxiety of the day; maybe it even made me feel a little naughty since I was allowed no slack during the day. I am sure there are other and many reasons. But, when I put this into writing, something clicked. In the one week I have started peeling the layers off the onions in my life, my night-time eating has all but ceased. The other night I was actually hungry, but the thought of going into the kitchen and getting something didn't resonate with me so I didn't. As they say about a switch: once you turn it on and there is light, there is light - no matter how little. And it's a start.

With regard to spending too much time looking in the past, I believe this has gotten in my way of finding the way I can successfully lose weight. I think that I get hung up on: “I’ve dieted in the past and it hasn’t helped.” (Well yes it has, I have lost weight, but never kept it off.) I think if I keep saying to myself “this will never work,” “this will be the same as it always has been,” “I’m doomed not to lose weight,” “I’m doomed to not keep off what little I have taken off,” then I will never move forward. We all know the sayings: “If you do what you’ve always done you’ll get what you always got.” “Doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.”

If this is the case, then why do people (most notably those who have followed WW - any of their programs - or who have calorie counted) return to the same ways and expect different results? Maybe the results were what we wanted (a weight loss) but obviously the LONG term results are not what we want for ourselves – otherwise we wouldn’t be here right now looking for a new answer. Maybe the answer lies not so much in the program we are following, but in HOW we follow the program. I think that’s where it can be valuable to look to the past – to see what has worked – but it is NOT valuable to think that is all that is needed… obviously it isn’t. So far, with my new awareness, I have been able to shape a new eating plan for myself. I have been successful - but we are just talking a few weeks here... not the lifetime that has already passed or the lifetime that is ahead of me. My goal is to be totally open to adjustments as I go along, and not to dig my heels into the quicksand of "I'm sticking with this no matter what!" We all have to remember that it's not the wake that drives the boat - that is what is left behind as we go forward. Also - if you drive looking in the rearview mirror you really won't get too far - plus you'll have a lot of accidents! I choose RIGHT NOW to look forward and take the curves and turns based on what I see before me. I will not apologize for any turns or twists I make in my "program." I will forge ahead.

In looking at the question of what is standing in the way of taking care of myself NOW, the only answers have been excuses, plain and simple. "I'm busy," "I'm frustrated," "My knees hurt," "My shoulders hurt," "I don't wanna..." BUT then I looked at the question: "What are your choices in how you present yourself?" and everything - I mean everything - changed. I got a new hairdo last week (my husband is still traumatized) and it makes me feel lighter and younger and there's a spring in my step that wasn't there the week before. It takes all of 5 minutes to use a curling iron to give it bounce (as opposed to the 30 seconds it took to pull it back in a ponytail) and once my hair is done I feel like dressing nicely, and just putting it all together. Then, because I look nice, and feel great, it seems as though I have just more general awareness of what I am eating, how I am eating, and the quantity I am eating. Also - does the food taste good? Is it what I really want? Once I was happier with the way I presented myself to the world (or even just to myself!) these other things seemed to matter more too.

This has just been an incredibly fruitful week. For a long time I was thinking that I should seek out the help of a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. I could not understand why I keep doing the same things over and over again, even though I know they don't get me anywhere. I couldn't understand why I was standing in my own way? This past week of reading and deep introspection, I think, has hurdled me forward in my journey more than months of therapy might (or might not) have done. So my advice to you is this: Be honest with yourself; do some deep soul searching and introspection; peel the layers off the onion and be brutally honest with your childhood memories. For many of you it will just be that you've gotten careless with your eating over the years, or aren't fully aware of nutrition facts, or that you have let your life get so "crazy" that there is no time for home cooked meals or exercise. But I think for many more, it's the deeper issue - where it's not about the food - where you love the food and refuse to understand that it does not love you back. There as many "issues" as there are people - be honest with yourself and find out what yours is. And, when you get to it - don't believe it for a minute - go deeper... you'll find it!