Boy... if I ever needed a reason to eat....

If the problem isn't food, eating won't fix it. <---- My mantra.

I have a 94 year old mother still living on her own .... need I say more? lol

Woke up again very early - had ziti for breakfast at 5AM, and am just now (11:30) having my coffee and three of those wonderful biscotti cookies. I'll have chicken and veggies for lunch.

We are having Chinese food for dinner tonight (lunch with my brother and mother does not constitute not eating it again with the family) - but the real stuff... IF I want it I will let myself. Again, I have to put my fork down and really evaluate my fullness after one plate. I can always order something steamed with brown rice like I did yesterday, but we are already looking at a big bill to accommodate the rest of the family, so maybe not.

Trust... trust... trust... <--- My other new mantra! Tonight will be a big test. I promise not to run away from this blog tomorrow! lol

But - really, this is the whole point of eating this way. How DO normal people eat? What does it actually feel like to eat normally and not as a dieter?

Let go of my past story. It's not the wake that drives the boat. It is what is left behind as you go forward. <--- Third new mantra.

What does this all mean? In the past I would worry and wring my hands over having Chinese food for dinner (specifically while dieting). I would either (A) eat myself sick saying it's one meal - how often do I do it; (B) Be good about having one portion, but because I came from a space of denial rather than a space of allowing, I would eat the leftovers later or eat all around the leftovers and consume more food than anyone has a right to; or (C) Eat something else while the family was enjoying my dinner.

Letting go of my story, and not letting the wake drive the boat means (A) allowing myself to enjoy whatever I want; (B) don't deny anything I really want... BUT stop and assess whether I really want it or am hungry for it; and (C) not attaching any guilt to whatever it is that I've enjoyed. It also means that if I want, I can make a plate of leftovers (if there are any) and enjoy it another day for another meal. WHATTA CONCEPT! Deliberate leftovers!

I think that is one of the hardest things to get used to eating my new way. The understanding that we live in America with an abundance of foods and restaurants. Anything I eat one day and enjoy will totally be available to me another day. AND, if perchance it won't be (like it's an expensive restaurant and I really won't be going there again and no other place makes "it" the same way) - then that is what take out containers are for. I can even make a second order and bring it home with me to enjoy another time.

Denial and deprivation brings on hoarding. And what is overeating or bingeing but actually hoarding? How many of us have said (often) that when our homes are clean and uncluttered it is easier for us to follow a food plan? (Here I am raising my hand.) There is a calmness in the lack of clutter - I think there is a calmness in the lack of overeating. But when you feel you need more when you really don't, the insanity takes over. I love Niecey's (Clean House) saying: Let's get rid of this mayhem and foolishness (<---- another mantra! lol). Getting rid of the mayhem and foolishness of hoarding and cluttering brings a new serenity. I'm talking food or things... Okay so tonight, as I face an abundance of Chinese food (boy when we order out we order out!) I will rid myself of my prior mayhem and foolishness and see if the new serenity keeps me limited to just one plate without any feelings of deprivation or remorse. I'll let you know tomorrow!

Samida