Pruning and Peace

Hi everyone! Thank you for showing your concern with my absence. I've had so much going on lately that blogging, unfortunately is the first thing to be pruned from my list of activities when I find that I am just overwhelmed and need some breathing space. I think that is one of the secrets to a successful weight loss, actually. Recognizing what stressors there are in your life, and either eliminating them, if possible, or eliminating extraneous, but not necessary stressful, things from your life so that you can have the time and "wherewithall" to deal with the things that need attention. It is a skill I am learning to recognize and practice. The "inflammation" of the stressors has subsided a bit (although still there), so once again I can turn to things that I enjoy - keeping this blog being one of them!

Let me fill you in on some physical things. I have to nix the "Princess Half Marathon." I spoke to my orthopedist and he said that if I do it, I might as well schedule a knee replacement right now, since I will need one upon my return if I do it. I have overcome a lot with my osteoarthritis, including continuing with my dance lessons and performances, but a 1/2 marathon, apparently, is where my body would draw the line. He said that I could do the 1/2 marathon, as long as I took a whole day to do it, and stopped for refreshment and rest every couple of miles. But, to do it as a race... no way. I'm not sure I"m ready to give up yet. I will make the decision when it is time to register. If I wear my brace and carry my ice packs there's a chance.... lol

I also found out that I have a completely torn rotator cuff, and will be needing surgery. I have scheduled the surgery for December, and my understanding is that I will have to wear a sling for 6 weeks, and "look forward" to a 6 month recovery, with PT and restrictions. I don't mind the surgery or the recovery - what actually made me most sad is that I had to cancel my participation in the wonderful reunion that some great gals from one of the DWLZ message boards will be having in Orlando in December. I could have waited for my surgery till after the reunion, but that is one of the pruning decisions I had to make.

However - the bright spot is that, knowing I am having surgery in six weeks, I am extremely motivated to eat healthy (and sparingly) so I will be in the best shape possible before surgery. (That, and several weeks at home, mostly spent in bed, means that I am in even more danger of having my weight loss stagnate, so I want a head start now.)

There is something "strange" that has come over me in the past few days. Just a sense of peace - I don't know how else to put it. I was operating at a breaking point for several weeks, and I just realized that I cannot do that to myself anymore. The upcoming surgery is the least of the stressors in my life the past month or so, but somehow, scheduling it, actually looking forward to it, and knowing that I have to take better care of myself, sort of put a period on the end of 2009.

I think that one thing that has contributed to this peaceful feeling is that I have unearthed some of my hypnosis CDs. I have several from Positive Changes, and Wendy Freisan's program, "The Zen of Thin." Then, one of my DWLZ friends shared with me her Paul McKenna CDs ("I can make you thin") and just listening to those at bedtime, or anytime I feel the stress build up, has helped tremendously. I'm not so sure if they have helped with weightloss, but they sure do make me calm. My friend said something funny about being on the Paul McKenna program today: "I don't always stop when I'm full, and I don't always eat exactly what my body is craving... but I sure do have down the eating when hungry part!"

I was chatting with another friend the other day about making an effort to eat more naturally (intuitive eating, I can make you thin, any of those programs). I was telling her how freeing it is to actually trust my own body for a change instead of eating according to external cues and rules. When I saw her again she asked if I was still feeling free. I said (at the time) I wasn't. I was so caught up in my stressors, so that even having rules about having no rules felt like too much. But, since I have let go and calmed down, it's all falling into place again. I stand by my very first posts about eating "core-like." Add to that not eating according to external cues and diet plans, honoring my hunger (at both ends - when I'm hungry and when I'm full), and having exactly what I want, has been making a big difference.

The first few days I gave myself permission to be a little wild - but that was part of the process... as long as I didn't eat to full. Eventually I have gravitated back to salads, good fats and oils, and some of my most favorite WW recipes. I've also started eating from small dishes and putting down my fork (or food) between bites. What concepts! lol - I haven't been on the scale - according to the journal I'm keeping, check-in day is tomorrow but I am going to wait until the end of October. I am going to weigh in only once a month. It's enough.

Until then, my sole goal is to keep the peace with my mind and my body. Anything else is just ... gravy!

One Day at a Time

Goodness gracious! I didn't think it had been so long since I last posted. A new (school) year is always so busy for me... and I don't even have little ones at home anymore! My first classes started last week, and tonight I go into full swing. That means three days in a row of packing breakfast, lunch and dinner - but the bright side is, that as long as I stay away from vending machines, I can't eat what I don't pack! I'm hoping to take Qi Gong on Thursday nights and if that materializes I'll be packing four days. Of course I have to be on guard that I don't go bonkers Friday, Saturday and Sunday, but with my new philosophy "ODAAT" I will deal with those days when I get to them. One Day at a Time of course is not a new way of approaching problems (of any sort), but I've never actually put it into practice before. It goes hand in hand with "It's the Journey not the Destination that will get you where you need to go."

Actually - to digress (but not that much) I heard something very funny about the journey/destination comment. I do believe that I heard it while listening to one of my Wayne Dyer CDs (if I find out otherwise I'll let you know). He said that if the destination were more important than the journey, we would all pile into the concert hall with the finest symphony orchestra on the stage, with Beethoven's 9th symphony on the program. The orchestra would only play the last note, then get up and leave. I thought it was such a colorful and thoughtful example to illustrate the point!

But back to my new ODAAT outlook. I had been struggling somewhat this past week with sweets - normally not my downfall, mostly because I don't have them around the house. Labor Day weekend we had made a trip to Montreal to visit relatives and while there made our pilgrimage to our favorite Lebanese bakery in St. Laurent, Andalos Bakery. OMG we came home with pounds of pastries, dozens of bags of pita bread, meat pies, candy, nuts, cookies, etc. The cookies that I had intended to eat one by one with tea every night were finished in four days. The pastries that I vowed not to touch were almost finished in as long. I finally got ahold of myself and the last few are still sitting in the fridge, hardening as we speak. The bread I can ignore. Sigh... Oh well - not a total derailment, just a short detour around the block.

So Saturday I said to myself - no more sugar and no more processed foods. The thought of doing this for the rest of my life not only is totally unrealistic, it's not necessary. I woke up Sunday morning and said to myself: Just for today I will not eat sugar and I will not eat any other (highly) processed foods (I am having FF dairy and once a day some organic low-processed half and half or cream in my one coffee). JUST FOR TODAY. Each time I thought of having something (and I'm not just talking about the goodies from Montreal - I have all sorts of lunch "goodies" for my son's lunch, and my husband keeps his own stash of candy and cookies) I said to myself: "I can have it tomorrow if I still want it, but not today." The other ODAAT goal was not to eat after dinner. Again, when I wanted to eat after dinner I said to myself, "I can eat after dinner tomorrow night if I want, but not tonight." I don't have to worry about the rest of my life, I just have to meet my commitment to the current 24-hour goal(s).

Just to let you know what I ate/packed today: As I walked out the door at 6:45am to take my son to work I had a hard boiled egg, and a small square of core blueberry cake (the recipe is on dwlz website). When I got to work I had kasha that I had made yesterday with onions and peppers, and topped it with one slice of WW american cheese, and my coffee. For lunch I had a beautiful salad with grilled salmon, cantaloupe and popcorn. For a snack I had FF Greek yogurt with cinnamon (which I have figured out is just like the Lebanese labne, just a little looser). For dinner I have packed my lentil salad and will have that with the rest of my lunch salad, and a peach. I'm not going to worry now whether or not I will be hungry when I get home around 10. If I am I will chop up an apple and sprinkle it with chopped walnuts and raisins. One must be flexible -- not eating after dinner is a good rule if I'm home; not such a good rule if I have eaten early, then been teaching for two hours, arriving home bona-fide hungry! Remember in one of my posts I mentioned "being Core-like" - this is an example of one of those days. I sort of had fun with the journey last night in packing all my food for today and getting it ready for tomorrow. It's not even a challenge - that would be a fight not a journey! It's - how can I make this fun and interesting, and enjoy what I eat and what combinations I put together?

The other "journey-odaat" thing I wanted to share is that I had been to my orthopedist a couple of weeks ago. He said that if I want to do the Princess Half-Marathon in Disney in 2011 I might as well schedule a knee replacement for when I get back. He doesn't think my knees could take the torture of a half-marathon. However, and with a sense of humor, he said I can certainly follow the route - just make sure I stop every couple of miles to sit and enjoy the view, but the pounding of trying to make time would just about destroy what's left of my knee. And since I don't plan to give up dancing any time soon I am certainly not considering surgery. I thought about that for a long while - of course feeling sorry for myself, yet somewhat relieved because now I have permission not to train - which I translated as permission not to exercise!

However, I got to thinking about applying the "journey-odaat" mindset to this. I may never get to the destination of the 1/2 marathon in the manner I want to do it, but that doesn't mean that I can't thoroughly enjoy the journey. So, this morning I strapped on my pedometer and went for a beautiful walk along the Charles River (in Boston) before sitting at my desk to start my day. I got in 5,000 steps. My goal is to make the walk every morning, then, as often as possible, repeat it later in the day. I have to say I loved every step of it (although with just that short walk my knees ached and the tendinitis in my foot flared something awful). However, even with that, I'm thinking that maybe the doctor is NOT correct... A lot can change in 18 months, one step at a time, one day at a time.

What you think about expands. I am going to think about healthy knees, healthy weight, completing 1/2 marathons (without stopping every 2 miles!), and maybe some extra money in my pocket!

Wishing you all a great journey - ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Awareness

A group of us at DWLZ have started a book club to discuss the book I mentioned in my prior post by Joyce Meyer. We haven't even gotten through the foreword and introduction yet, and already I have noticed some major changes in things that have been plaguing me for years. The questions that were pertinent for me were: How valuable are you? When putting our mind and heart on the past instead of the future, what is the result? When is looking to the past valuable? What stands in your way of taking care of yourself NOW? What is your personal story? What are your choices in how you present yourself?

I already shared with you some of my personal history. What I didn't share was that I also was the subject of verbal abuse which left me with a poor self-image and feeling of not being valuable or worthwhile. I took a lot of solace in night-time eating after everyone had gone to bed. I think there were a lot of reasons for that - that I wasn't worthy enough to enjoy something in front of everyone, at the time it was served; sneaked food provided comfort and solace - it was something I was in control of, as opposed to not having control with what I was apportioned while people were watching and other people were serving; it relieved the stress and anxiety of the day; maybe it even made me feel a little naughty since I was allowed no slack during the day. I am sure there are other and many reasons. But, when I put this into writing, something clicked. In the one week I have started peeling the layers off the onions in my life, my night-time eating has all but ceased. The other night I was actually hungry, but the thought of going into the kitchen and getting something didn't resonate with me so I didn't. As they say about a switch: once you turn it on and there is light, there is light - no matter how little. And it's a start.

With regard to spending too much time looking in the past, I believe this has gotten in my way of finding the way I can successfully lose weight. I think that I get hung up on: “I’ve dieted in the past and it hasn’t helped.” (Well yes it has, I have lost weight, but never kept it off.) I think if I keep saying to myself “this will never work,” “this will be the same as it always has been,” “I’m doomed not to lose weight,” “I’m doomed to not keep off what little I have taken off,” then I will never move forward. We all know the sayings: “If you do what you’ve always done you’ll get what you always got.” “Doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.”

If this is the case, then why do people (most notably those who have followed WW - any of their programs - or who have calorie counted) return to the same ways and expect different results? Maybe the results were what we wanted (a weight loss) but obviously the LONG term results are not what we want for ourselves – otherwise we wouldn’t be here right now looking for a new answer. Maybe the answer lies not so much in the program we are following, but in HOW we follow the program. I think that’s where it can be valuable to look to the past – to see what has worked – but it is NOT valuable to think that is all that is needed… obviously it isn’t. So far, with my new awareness, I have been able to shape a new eating plan for myself. I have been successful - but we are just talking a few weeks here... not the lifetime that has already passed or the lifetime that is ahead of me. My goal is to be totally open to adjustments as I go along, and not to dig my heels into the quicksand of "I'm sticking with this no matter what!" We all have to remember that it's not the wake that drives the boat - that is what is left behind as we go forward. Also - if you drive looking in the rearview mirror you really won't get too far - plus you'll have a lot of accidents! I choose RIGHT NOW to look forward and take the curves and turns based on what I see before me. I will not apologize for any turns or twists I make in my "program." I will forge ahead.

In looking at the question of what is standing in the way of taking care of myself NOW, the only answers have been excuses, plain and simple. "I'm busy," "I'm frustrated," "My knees hurt," "My shoulders hurt," "I don't wanna..." BUT then I looked at the question: "What are your choices in how you present yourself?" and everything - I mean everything - changed. I got a new hairdo last week (my husband is still traumatized) and it makes me feel lighter and younger and there's a spring in my step that wasn't there the week before. It takes all of 5 minutes to use a curling iron to give it bounce (as opposed to the 30 seconds it took to pull it back in a ponytail) and once my hair is done I feel like dressing nicely, and just putting it all together. Then, because I look nice, and feel great, it seems as though I have just more general awareness of what I am eating, how I am eating, and the quantity I am eating. Also - does the food taste good? Is it what I really want? Once I was happier with the way I presented myself to the world (or even just to myself!) these other things seemed to matter more too.

This has just been an incredibly fruitful week. For a long time I was thinking that I should seek out the help of a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. I could not understand why I keep doing the same things over and over again, even though I know they don't get me anywhere. I couldn't understand why I was standing in my own way? This past week of reading and deep introspection, I think, has hurdled me forward in my journey more than months of therapy might (or might not) have done. So my advice to you is this: Be honest with yourself; do some deep soul searching and introspection; peel the layers off the onion and be brutally honest with your childhood memories. For many of you it will just be that you've gotten careless with your eating over the years, or aren't fully aware of nutrition facts, or that you have let your life get so "crazy" that there is no time for home cooked meals or exercise. But I think for many more, it's the deeper issue - where it's not about the food - where you love the food and refuse to understand that it does not love you back. There as many "issues" as there are people - be honest with yourself and find out what yours is. And, when you get to it - don't believe it for a minute - go deeper... you'll find it!

What keeps us keeping on?

I've mentioned that I have a nice group of cyberfriends on the DWLZ message boards. Yesterday's discussion was about stalled weight loss and why we get in our own way - especially when we have been successfully on the path downward. The discussion went from waiting for the "big moment" when everything clicks, to the concept of "little moments" with the small choices we make every day, day in and day out. I've already talked about secondary gain - and how sometimes being overweight shields us from having to face what being thin will do to us. I have very concrete things that being fat shields me from and I did share some of those. However, sometimes it's not shielding, it just maintaining the comfort level.

I think both are at work on me. With regard to comfort level - my weight does not keep me from doing anything I want to do: I'm the first one jumping in the pool, I have a husband who (after 30 years) is still thrilled to see me walk in a room, I've been in 5K races, my blood work is within normal range, I have extremely glam clothing, and I'm a professional belly dancer for goodness sake! Why on earth would I move from the comfort of all this, along with the comfort of eating what I want and the comfort of not exercising, to the WORK of a lifestyle change that means monitoring what I eat and actually doing real exercise?

To tell you the truth I'm not sure myself sometimes. I would like to LOOK better, but vanity just really doesn't do it for me. I think my reason for wanting to lose weight lies in the medical reasons. My blood work, as I said, is normal but there is very little wiggle room, and that does scare me. You can't take back diabetes. Once you have it you always have it. You can control it but you have it. I have an aunt who died from complications of diabetes, and the shame of it is that this IS something you do to yourself (Type II) - why would you take something as perfect as the human body and destroy it like that? I had a cardiac cath procedure last summer as the doctor was afraid I had a heart attack (it wasn't - it was heart damage which the cardiologist thought was caused by a virus) and my arteries were clear. I've also had other arterial screening done over the years and it has always come back clean. BUT, it takes a statin to keep my cholesterol in check and my triglycerides are high (although hundreds of points lower than they were years ago). I would like to maintain a healthy cholesterol without the statin, which potentially could introduce a whole range of problems itself. I have severe osteoarthritis in my knees, and once in a while there is a twinge in my hip. Gee whiz - do you think I ought to lose weight even though I have glam clothes and don't cower at the sight of a bathingsuit?

Maybe as I do lose weight, vanity will take it's rightful place in the equation. However, the favorite quote "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" never resonated with me. I've never been thin so what the heck do I know? I know that cheesecake DOES taste good. A sizzling steak with ALL the fat in tact DOES taste good. A bowl of Thanksgiving stuffing with a side of mashed potatoes DOES taste good. Who are we kidding? But this lifestyle change, being "Core-like," doesn't have to be the fight of our lives. So does lentil salad, and spinach casserole, and grilled seafood, and fresh salad taste good. So does garden vegetable soup, and sauteed spinach with garlic and onions, and eggplant parmesian made with fat-free cheeses and sauce, taste good.

I think that if we dig our heels in and FIGHT, instead of going with the flow, that we are only digging our heels into quicksand. From How Stuff Works: "With quicksand, the more you struggle in the faster you will sink. If you just relax, your body will float in it because your body is less dense than the quicksand...If you step into quicksand, it won't suck you down. However, your movements will cause you to dig yourself deeper into it." From what I have observed, the dieters who are fighting and struggling with this whole staying-on-program: "food is fuel - nothing else" sort of outlook are doomed to sink. They may be successful in losing weight - I am not knocking sticking to a diet program at all; but I think at some point, the fight goes out of them or they become so trapped in the diet, that they can't go with the flow when life demands it. (PLEASE keep in mind that I am just using an "editorial they" - I am talking absolutely from my OWN experience.)

As a matter of fact, within my "Core-like" eating, still lies a program. I am NOT eating a 2-pound steak with fat attached, the garlic mashed potatoes with REAL butter, fresh French bread - also with butter, salad with REAL dressing, and a full dessert to top it off. My program is to eat "normal" portions, cut out fat, sugar, processed flour and foods, etc. My program does NOT include cutting out food that I like. It does NOT include fighting to stay within terribly strict limits and totally doing without. It DOES mean adjustments - substituting foods that are not as horrible for my body for things that are unhealthy. It DOES mean watching portions. It DOES mean totally enjoying everything that goes into my mouth, and enjoying it with family and friends. Having said all that, I will also NOT cut out foods entirely - there is room for a piece of birthday cake, fudge on the boardwalk, ice cream at the beach, chips on the side. Just it's the end of stealthily finishing up the birthday cake that was already put in the freezer, eating a whole pound of fudge (who can do that, you say? look no further than the author of this blog), eating a half gallon of ice cream (ditto), or eating a whole large bag of chips in one night's TV viewing.

One of my DWLZ friends yesterday quoted from Acedia & Me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life by Kathleen Norris, when we were talking about starting over every day if we have to. "Abba Moses asked Abba Sylvanus, 'Can a man lay a new foundation every day?' The old man said, 'If he works hard, he can lay a new foundation at every moment.' " I think there are no truer words than this, especially when you are ready to give up on your eating plan.

When I teach my students I always take tremendous pride in the fact that I do not produce cookie-cutter dancers. There used to be a teacher in NYC and when we saw his dancers dance we always said "Oh, there's another Bobby-girl" because she had a different body, face, and costume, but it might as well have been their teacher dancing. I tell my students: "What I am giving you here with these lessons is a strong solid foundation. Once you have the foundation built, and the walls up, you can pick your own furniture, your own floor coverings, your own paint and wallpaper; you can pick your own kitchen appliances, what you cook and when you eat. But you can have none of that if the foundation cracks or sinks into the ground."

I am challenging you, if you are fighting or struggling, to lay a new foundation at this very moment. You can wallpaper it with Points or Filling Foods, or Calorie Counting, or Grazing, or Plate Division, or any other sensible eating program out there. But you won't have walls without cracks if you don't work on your foundation. Take a look now into your secondary gains, into your comfort zones, into what will work for your family, into what can be done to make this convenient and fun, into what are good solid reasons for you to lose weight, into whether you can do your program for the long term (not necessarily for life - we all change and need eating programs that change with us), etc. Make your pro and con list. See what your budget and time will allow. Lay your foundation - every minute of every day, by eating with awareness and not mindlessly reaching for food. When you go to reach for that food, stop and reflect: Is it really hunger, or am I avoiding something else? If your family won't make changes with you (regardless of your crafty and sly substitutions) make your own meals as often as possible.

So, what I got from yesterday's discussion is exactly this: Everyone's foundation is different. Some of us are building on quicksand. Some have solid foundations. Some of us will never move as long as we live. Some of us like where we are but like to change the furniture around a lot. Some of us live in large houses, and some of us live in tiny houses. Some of us live in mass-produced housing, some live in hand-made log houses. I think the point is that we each do what works for us and what is pleasant for us. However, when the house no longer works for us (too confining or too big), is no longer pleasant (can't stand that furniture and wallpaper any longer), or there are cracks in the walls and foundation then, by golly, it might be time to actually go house hunting instead of sinking more money and time into the house you do have. Of course, it could just be that a few repairs and rearranging will take care of everything. You are the only one who knows that. But, be honest and take stock. Move or repair? It's up to you!

p.s. I rearrange my furniture A LOT!!!!!!! You will get to know that from me by my blogging and posts at DWLZ - I never give up trying to find just the right "look."

p.p.s. Does anyone who uses blogspot know how I can put recipes in the margins instead of as part of the regular post? Thanks!

Back from Staycation!

Hello everyone! Boy did I miss blogging - all these thoughts swirling around my head, no outlet for them... Hope I can retrieve at least a few! Let's just say that many things we (my family and I) do are food related, and this week was no exception. We have friends who come visit every summer, and the visit starts months earlier with planning the menu -- not what we are going to do, but what we are going to eat! This year was the healthier one of our visits - with plenty of fresh fruit, salads, and all sorts of wonderful vegetarian options throughout the day (to make up for all the steak, lobsters and other seafood that we were consuming at dinner). No sooner did company leave than hubby and I took a day trip which, of course included a picnic then lobster later in the day at our favorite place in Rockport (MA). Then the next day, no sooner did I say goodbye to hubby for him to leave to go to back to his first evening of work, than I headed out the door by myself to have dinner with friends! My goodness... however shall I lose weight? Rest assured, though, I did no damage! I had my wits about me and ate within reason.

Well - in the midst of all this visiting and eating and visiting and eating, I picked up a marvelous book. If you've read my earlier entries you know that I have a penchant for self-help books and "diet" books, so when I tell you this maybe is the most helpful one I have ever read, you will understand the depth of my appreciation of it. (And, by the way, I make no apologies - I will NOT give up on myself!) The author is Joyce Meyer. The title is: "Look Great Feel Great: 12 Keys to Enjoying a Healthy Life Now." The disclaimer is that Joyce is a minister so there are some scripture references in the book. I am not of a Christian religion and I did not find them offensive or overwhelming at all.As a matter of fact, in many cases, they enhanced what she was saying - look at all the sayings we have that actually do come from scripture - so they aren't out of place regardless of your beliefs (or non-beliefs). Keys include: Learning to Love Your Body, Balanced Eating, Mindful Eating, De-Stress, and Take Responsibility. Even the introduction is loaded with worthwhile information and a lot of things to think about in relation to your own life. What I like about this book is that it ties so beautifully into my last posting which was all about taking action. With the keys are specific examples and suggestions to take action - not just to THINK about taking action.

I jumped around throughout the book then started back at the beginning (and plan to re-read it again with a highlighter in hand). Right now I am working my way through "De-Stress" and it really is making me examine my life and howthis particular key relates to my overeating. Well, since the chapter is "De-Stress" I have to say that I am not WORKING my way through it, I am FROLICKING my way through it (as you can see above!). I make myself busy every minute of every day. I make myself stressed. I make myself crazy with activity. I make myself fat. I mean, forget the whole cortesol and adrenaline connection to staying fat (and OMG Joyce has the best explanation that I have EVER read) - I keep myself too busy to allow myself to do mindful eating and too busy to enjoy every bite. So my action for this step is that I took time each and every day last week - admist the chaos of visitors, meals, traveling, etc. - to take time for myself. I either read, or as in the case of today - actually took a nap, which thwarted the usual tendency to eat as soon as I walk in the door from work. I also spent time going through some recipes (which is not new action) but I made them - which is new - not that I am not cooking all the time, but I don't often take the time to try new things or go back to some old favorites.

Speaking of recipes - I wanted to start to add them to this blog. I haven't quite figured out how to post things in the margins rather than the main blog, so to start out I will put this one right here: Lentil Salad: no measuring, no specific recipe, but here is what I do:

Take a medium-sized sauce pan. Pour in lentils. (I don't know how much - maybe a one-pound package or 3 or 4 handfuls if you have them bulk?). Add chopped onions and garlic. (I don't know how much - lol!). Cover with water and bring to boil, then cover pan and reduce heat until the water is absorbed. The lentils will still have a bit of a "bite" to them - resist adding more water (I did that and had to turn the whole thing into lentil soup instead). While they are cooking then cooling, chop up a "mess" of crunchy vegetables. I use carrots, celery, peppers (all colors), radishes, and scallions to start. If you can think of anything else crunchy be my guest. When the lentils have cooled (take them out of the pan and spread them on a flat plate to speed the process, or just keep stirring them to bring up the hot ones from the bottom) put them and the veggies into a big bowl to toss. I usually toss with olive oil and vinegar (balsamic doesn't work here - use a red or white vinegar for this) but yesterday I tossed with a lite Italian dressing and it was wonderful. Oh! and if you feel like it, add a cup or two of brown rice. We served that several ways this week: on romaine lettuce leaves - so you just had to pick up the leave and eat it that way; plain; and today I put it on a green salad - I just added a touch more vinegar and tossed for a complete meal.

So - what does lentil salad have to do with anything? I was listening to one of my favorite speakers (Wayne Dyer) and he was talking about organized religion. He was saying, don't be a Christian- be Christ-like. Don't be Buddist - be Buddha-like. Don't be Moslem - be Mohammed-like. And what does THAT have to do with lentil salad? I've returned to following Core for several weeks now, and I've come to the conclusion that I don't want necessarily to be a "Corer," I want to be Core-like. It means that I want to eat healthy and natural. It means I want to honor my hunger and fullness. It means I want to watch my portion sizes, and not eat everything on my plate if I am not hungry for it, but go for seconds if I am (real hunger - not the emotional "I need another Ring-Ding" hunger). It means I want to eat a little, then assess if I am still tasting the food or am still hungry for it. It means not eating what does not really taste good (can't believe I threw out an ear of corn the other day because it wasn't sweet).

That's all being a "Corer" but what is Core-like? It means doing all that AND not obsessing over a departure from the Core list of foods. Last night we had a salad that was tossed with walnuts, raisins, and full-fat feta cheese. I didn't take aside my portion before dressing it that way for the table; I did not knock off 3 or 4 flex points in case that's how much I ate. I enjoyed the salad - my portion of it - raisins and walnuts and feta cheese and all! I probably ate half as much last night (of the salad and of everything being served) because I honored my hunger and appetite (appetite is not a dirty word, by the way) and was satisfied with just small portions of everything, and no seconds of anything.

So - even though it so happens the lentil salad IS core, I am using it for a point because I enjoy cooking without necessarily measuring everything (or if I do measure, I like not figuring out every single point). If I had tossed it with oil instead of the low calorie dressing, I would not have felt an obsessive need to measure the oil then take that big bowl of salad (which is a different size each time I make it) figure out how much it was, divide it by servings, then take exactly one serving so that I could make sure I was not consuming more than 2 tsps of "free" oil. Get my point? I think if you are new to dieting, or REALLY off the deep end, then you have to disregard everything I've said. But for someone like me - who has been dieting for so many years (by my math it's been 40 years since my first WW meeting, and I started dieting years before that), could write her own diet book, and is sick of it all, that being Core-like might just work.

But you have to trust yourself. I'm learning now to trust myself. I am someone who has not been eating mindfully, has been making poor choices, and who has brought so much stress into her life that there has been no time to make me a priority. Isn't that so much kinder than saying I am lazy or stupid or addicted? I think being kind to myself and having patience to learn new (but not so new - they are right under the surface) ways of eating and looking at food is the way to go here. Welcome to my journey!

On Vacation :O)

Hello everyone - I just wanted to let you know that I'm not another crash-and-burn blogger! I am just not going to be able to give this the attention it deserves over the next couple of weeks. If I can gather some coherent thoughts and find some computer time I will post. I will probably not be updating this until the week of August 17th.
Thank you all for checking in!
Samida

A real decision is measured by the fact that you've taken a new action. If there's no action, you haven't truly decided. - Tony Robbins

Hi everyone! I've been thinking about why this time is going to be different for me. Yesterday I was looking up quotes to put in my belly dance newsletter and I turned to one of my favorite motivators, Tony Robbins, and came across the one I have used as a title for today's blog.

I spend a lot of time in various weight loss chat rooms, and people always come in lamenting "I want to lose weight," "I'm ready to lose weight," "I really do mean it," etc. After listening for a while I usually always come to the conclusion that, although I don't doubt they really really want it and they are really really ready, that wishing does not make it so. Their words aren't followed by action. There is one "chatter" who comes in each time saying: "I hate vegetables and I won't eat anything but cucumbers and lettuce. I want to eat whatever I want, I don't care about nutrition. Why haven't I lost weight after 5 days - I'm giving this a week then I'm not following WW anymore. And, by the way, I don't want to spend money on a meeting to find out what it is all about - I want you all just to tell me." Is there really any truth to the very first statement, "I'm ready to lose weight"... hmmm?

I'm not picking on just this one person, but she is a stellar example of inertia trumping action, even though the desire might be there. And it's a perfect example of the fact that a REAL decision has NOT been made. The reason I am not really picking on her (but rather using her for an example) is that not only do I see my old self in her, but I understand being in the stage of thinking that wishing and desiring is enough to bring about action. Thinking about it is not enough - you must take action. Thoughts not followed by action really isn't action.

I also get frustrated when people say they need motivation. No you don't. Well, not in the way most people define motivation. My definition of motivation is just the realization that I must keep on keeping on, and that success will follow - it HAS to. I think what people need is faith. Faith that if you keep eating and exercising that it will pay off. Knowing that it will - isn't that motivation enough? I think that people have just lost sight of the payoff. Is it to provide a good example to your children and provide them with the healthiest upbringing you can give them? Is it to turn around blood test scores? Is it to get weight off your knees and hips? Is it to not be afraid of the camera anymore? Is it just because you are sick and tired of being sick and tired? It's not motivation you need, it's a direct sight-line to the payoff that you need.

When the payoff doesn't matter anymore, it's not motivation that you have to look for. It's a investigation into your secondary gain list. What is a secondary gain list? BE HONEST. I know I've had to be honest with myself. I thought about it - really REALLY thought about it: Look how much time dieting takes up in my life. I chat, I blog, I read diet and self-help books, I spend time looking for new recipes, shopping, cooking, complaining about aches and pains and how I'm sick of dieting. My secondary gain in this case is that I can continue with business as usual instead of actually doing other things with my time.

In my professional arena of being a dancer, I can always hide behind my fat instead of admitting that maybe I don't want to take a job, or go out at night, or be in a photo shoot, etc. etc. Maybe I can hide behind my fat instead of putting myself out there - where I really would be judged and gossiped about. My secondary gain is that I can hide behind my fat and blame it for EVERYTHING.

Would I really know who I am if I didn't have fat to get rid of? What would my life be like if I was a normal weight? That's sort of scary and another secondary gain. I've been overweight MY ENTIRE LIFE. Who would I be without it? The secondary gain: By staying fat, I can continue to do all things familiar; I can continue to be all things familiar; I can stay in a body that, with all its aches and pains is still comfortable enough to tolerate because it's familiar. My secondary gain is to use my fat to stay comfortable and familiar. I could go on and on, but in case you didn't understand the concept of secondary gain, I hope you do now. What is YOUR secondary gain in staying fat and coming up with all the excuses NOT to lose weight (even though you THINK you want to).

It's not that I don't have motivation or think it's unnecessary - I just think it's overrated! I think it's more important to explore our secondary gains which keep us from clearly seeing the payoffs and it's more important to have faith that if we follow the road the end will be there. But really - it's never an end, is it, and I think that is what scares us. Do we take the left fork or the right fork, or do we just run into the meadow that is ahead and trust that the sunshine and the flowers will make us happier than what we have grown to be comfortable with in our present bodies?

For many, unfortunately, it's not a sunny meadow. It's just coming to the end of that road and jumping into expressway traffic (come on, raise your hands, how many are scared to drive on 10 lane expressways). It's coming to the of that road and finding yourself in TOTALLY unfamiliar territory without a GPS to navigate you home (come on, raise your hands, how many hate to get lost?) - you get the point. But... maybe there really IS a meadow - you'll never know until you do get to the end of that road. Forget the motivation... even forget the faith. Just clear all that secondary gain stuff off the path and see where you DO go. Maybe the road itself is where you'll stay - it just will be a lot more pleasant without all that clutter, won't it???

Samida

CORE and NSVs

Hi! First of all - thank you for all your kind comments (to me personally, but not published to the blog page) regarding my first post. I think one of my DWLZ friends said to me that this should be something I do for myself, and if anyone else reads it and finds it funny, uplifting or informative, so much the better. From the responses I have gotten, I think I rounded all the bases, so I'm very pleased I took the blog plunge. In order not to get blog burn-out I will try to post maybe every other day, so you can look for new entries "sort of" on that schedule.

Well - I have had three full days on CORE. It's funny what upping your protein and diminishing your processed foods can do for you. I am hardly ever hungry, and when I am, the choices are easy. I had forgotten how much I liked this program, so I am grateful I still have all the materials to do it. It will also be helpful when my son comes home in a few days, because we can just have loads of fruit, cut-up veggies, and grilled seafood, chicken and steaks. He also loves things like beans, lentils, whole grains, etc. - so it will be easy to make some nice side dishes. (When he was home last summer I switched from CORE to FLEX thinking that would help, but it didn't.)

Do ya'll know what NSVs are? They are Non-Scale Victories, and can be as powerful (or more so) than any scale victory. These past few days have been very stressful, and so my NSVs have been to NOT turn to food (not even CORE foods) when stressed. One of my favorite quotes is "If it's not hunger, food won't fix it." I have to tell you this is where CORE has been more helpful to me than the flex program. If I was stressed then I would look at how many points I had left for the day (since my stress eating is mostly at night when my defenses are down and I have dissolved into a puddle) - can I have ice cream? chips? left-over dinner? crackers? cereal? candy? How may flex points do I have left? With CORE, I say - hmm... will this hard boiled egg really make me feel better? Answer: Not in the way chocolate would! (Or the way I think it would.) Granted, I have the 35 points anyway with CORE, but they are more valuable. By the time I put cream in my coffee and sprinkle walnuts on my salad all 35 are accounted for. Granted, tearing into left over chicken or salad is CORE, but will that really solve anything or even make me feel better?

I guess that's why I find CORE actually easier. CORE food doesn't seem to be loaded with the emotions the way that cookies, candy, cake, bread, etc. are. I often said that I would binge on a head of lettuce if that was all there was. But truthfully - it's only a vehicle for the dressing - so if I don't have the dressing why would I eat the lettuce??? (I have a salad daily and so I really do love the stuff, but put into perspective, it's not something I would binge on.)

I remember when my daughter was a little girl she was crying about something (a broken heart or a skinned knee - I don't remember now) and I offered her a cookie. And she looked at me with such a weird expression. WHY would she want a cookie? I can't remember where I read the story, but another mother had a similar experience. Her daughter skinned her knee and the mother said - "Here, take this cookie" (to stop the crying) and the little girl took the cookie and put it on her knee. HMMM... when do we make the change from the little girl who puts a cookie onto a skinned knee to the big girl who stuffs her face with them over the same skinned knee? I am so incredibly grateful that I raised two children who would be the type to put the cookie on the skinned knee!

I'm a Tony Robbins fan and one thing he encourages people to do is to find FUN ways to approach challenging projects and situations. As I said in my first blog, this does not have to be all work and seriousness (approaching food only as fuel), so fun is the way I am approaching CORE this time. First of all, I may be one of the few, but I LOVE grocery shopping (I like any kind of shopping, but grocery shopping is my favorite!). I found a beautiful farmers-market type basket (example) that I had once bought and when I went to the market the other day, and instead of using one of their ugly plastic baskets, I brought my own to the store and pretended I was shopping at an outdoor market in Paris! Then I picked out a couple of nice recipes using ingredients that I didn't even have in the house, and made them. For lunch at work I packed a picnic basket instead of throwing stuff in a used plastic shopping bag for transport. I also "set" my desk - clearing off all my work and putting down a placemat and eating from dishes not containers. Okay okay - it's only the first week... how long will this last? Even if only for another week, I've shown myself that I don't have to just slosh fuel around! lol

I put a sign up with the date I think the Disney Princess Half-Marathon will be in 2011 (probably March 6th, if it's the same weekend as the 2010 marathon). I am so sorry that I won't be doing the 2010 one, but I am not ready to walk that many miles at the required pace, and besides I'm going to Disney this coming December to meet up with a wonderful group of DWLZ zonies! Talk about having fun while you are losing weight :) Going in December AND the following March is just a little too decadent - even if I could afford it!

Nothing to do with weight loss - but I am getting ready to send out my August belly dance newsletter. If anyone here is interested in receiving it please send me your email address (to amirajamal - at - yahoo - dot - com) and I will be happy to put your name on the list. You might not be a belly dancer but it might be nice to connect!

Have a great day, and I wish you all many NSVs!

Samida

Long Time Reader, First time Blogger

Hi everyone. After much consultation with friends who do, and do not read blogs, I've decided to take the plunge. After much writing and then deleting, I've decided to stick with whatever comes out this morning. I wear many hats, as I am sure you all do: Mother, wife, employee - but I have two others: belly dance teacher and weight loss junkie. The belly dance teacher is self-explanatory (http://www.amirajamal.com) but what do I mean by weight loss junkie? Well... my mother dropped me off at a Weight Watchers meeting when I was 16 years old, in 1969. I think maybe once she sat in on a meeting with me, but for the most part, I attended on my own, and no changes were ever made to the household (as far as I can remember) - meaning that I had to fend for myself, following those awful old rules, of liver once a week, fish three times a week, no ketchup or mayo - some of you remember those days!

If I had only known then what I know now - that what I weighed then was actually below today's WW goal for my height. Let's not forget - those were the days of Twiggy, mini-skirts, and no "big girl" sized stores or fashions. I grew up always being the fat one, compared to my skinny sister (who, even today at 60 something, boasts an anorexic looking size zero body), and so began the life of low self-esteem and weight problems. My mother, who is 93, and absolute skin and bones, laments how she needs to lose 25 pounds. I'm downright healthy compared to those two! (I didn't mean to harp on all this, but I did promise myself not to delete anything today...)

Anyway - from a child with fat thighs (little did I know then that it wasn't a weight problem - it's what we, in our family, apparently now call "the Finkle thighs" - quite separate from total body weight) to a teenager plunked down in a WW meeting all alone with no family support, to a mother who did indeed believe in eating for two, to a 56 year old woman who's still carrying her baby weight (with her baby just turning 26), here I sit today. Still needing to lose weight, but now, admittedly way over any WW goal of any decade. Sigh............. All the dieting in the world didn't work - just made me fatter....

There are two definitions of "junkie" both of which fit me in the weight loss arena: (1): a person with insatiable craving for something and (2): an enthusiastic follower and devotee. I have tried almost every diet out there (except the most stupid of them) for each decade: Stillman, Atkins, Carbohydrate Addicts, Scarsdale, Beck, Intuitive Eating, South Beach, Perricone, Glycemic Index and Load, Ornish, Eat Drink and Be Healthy (this, by the way, was the smartest diet), Dr. Phil, Bob Greene, Food Pyramid (USDA and Mediterranean), low everything diet (one at a time, of course), etc. etc. To refresh my memory and to have a good laugh I visited http://www.everydiet.org/diets.htm -- perhaps I did NOT try them all! I also have dozens and dozens of self-help and motivational books and tapes... let's not limit ourselves to just diet books!

Yet, everything brings me back to Weight Watchers. However, why am I still doing battle? My daughter is very wise: She says that ANYTHING will work if you stick to it long enough (ahh... you mean four days hasn't matched the criterion for "long enough?") AND she also says that someone has to drop their end of the rope in a tug-of-war and walk away, otherwise no one really wins (the winners, alas, will fall down too). So, here I am today - dropping my end of the rope in the battle - not to give up, but to say: This is not working. Doing battle is not working. Fighting things is not working. Doing something that I cannot live with in the long term is not working. Denying myself and being hungry is not working. Being almost 57 and still shopping at the fat girls shop is not working. Feeling sorry for myself that I grew up with fat thighs and home-made clothes is not working. Never being picked for anything, and hating gym anyway and feeling bad about it, is not working.

There have to be better games than tug-of-war. I can still play and not have to fall in the mud whether I am the winner or the loser. Maybe I can actually NOT fall in the mud at all. Maybe I can just play. I think food can be fun and exciting - but I don't think all my fun and excitement has to come from it. I get the "food is fuel" part - that we should not let food be so emotionally charged, and also that if you drive around on crappy fuel without a full tank to begin with, you will not run at peak performance. But I don't think our experience with food has to be all work and no play. I don't think that just any old junky vehicle to get you from place to place is as good as a new car off the showroom floor. First of all, the repair bills go through the roof, you never know when it will break down, it looks crummy, and you can't feel that good tying your door shut with a bungie cord. AND, if people add up their repair bills and the cost of gas, along with the worry of breakdowns, you really will be spending more per month than if you just get a nice vehicle and maintain it. (No I'm not a car salesman, and neither is my husband - just saying that people think that putting good food in their body and staying healthy is more expensive than eating junk - and it's NOT.)

Okay - enough with the car analogy. But back to my point - I can have fun doing this, eat foods that I love, not go hungry, and socialize as much as I want even if food is involved. How do you ask, is this possible? Well, I looked back at everything and every diet I have ever followed, and I do believe - for me - that the old WW CORE is the way to go. I know about Momentum and Filling Foods, and those of you who are brand new to WW, don't even worry about what you may be missing with CORE - it's basically the same, but with a few tweaks. I've decided to do CORE rather than Filling Foods because, although I have the materials for both, I did follow CORE in the past and so I am comfortable with it's lists, recipes and rules.

But WHY is it going to be different this time? Because I say it is - that's why! I have re-acquainted myself with the message boards at Dottie's Weight Loss Zone: http://www.dwlz2.com/forum/ and the people there are the best support that I have ever had. (That is not to say that I haven't had other support - including my WW leader, Beth, and my husband and both my children - but I'm talking about group support that is constantly available whenever I need it!) We have a group on the forum "We Can!" and with daily postings by myself and my web friends, I can feel the surge of energy to face this every day and know that there are people that are facing it with me and can lend their support and suggestions as I go along. And, since teaching is the best learning, I also garner support for myself by supporting others.

Also - and thanks to Jeanne, a DWLZ supporter who posted: I did it! I am not waiting until I get to goal!!! who signed up to do a half-marathon, I am thinking of doing one myself. Half-marathons seem to be in the air because when I went to visit my most favorite blog by Heather, a WW leader: http://www.leadingtheweigh.com/ she posted that she is doing "Disney Princess 1/2 Marathon Weekend" in March. WELL - that's all I needed to hear! I have been in touch with Disney and you can walk it (as long as you walk within the 16 minute mile) and, as far as I know at this point, it is March 6, 2011. I have extremely bad knees and wear "hardware" braces, but I am going to aim for it! I found a beginner 1/2 marathon training schedule that works in one-week increments. If I do it in one-month increments I will still have plenty of time left over! A 5K (3 miles) just about does me in ... but I've never trained either... so who knows!

Just something clicked over the weekend. I can do this - CORE and train- AND have fun - eating and preparing the fresh foods that I love AND look forward to a goal which takes place at the "happiest place on earth" (ya'll can laugh - but I love WDW!).

Well - there's so much more... but I am going to end here (for now).

Wishing you all a great and FUN weight loss journey!
Samida




p.s. If you visit my site, please note that those were professional photographs with professionally done makeup and hair. I do not look like that in real life!!! I wish I did - but I don't!