As the week chugs along....

Boy oh boy... back to my FULL schedule. I had to take in a huge bag of groceries and meals yesterday. Back to lunch and dinner in my office, as I teach right after work. I have to feel things out though - I'm finding I don't need as much food as I've allowed... but some days I do.

Yesterday: I had a very large salad with salmon for lunch. Also, my popcorn and later in the afternoon tea with Almondina cookies. Then I wanted to make sure I had dinner before class because it's never good news when I've gone to my 7PM class without dinner. However, I just did not feel like eating everything I brought with me. I had a small portion of the ziti I made the other day, but not the veggies I brought with it. On the way in to work I suspected this might be the case (not wanting to eat everything) so I stopped and bought apples, string cheese, and whole wheat pita bread. So, on the way home from class I had bread, apple and cheese for a snack in the car, and lo-and-behold, I didn't even go into the kitchen when I got home around 10.

So... today.... I'm hungry! At about 10AM I had the vegetable plate that I did not have last night with the ziti, and that's enough to hold me till lunch which is, again, salmon and salad. I am going straight to class tonight after work, but the difference is that it's an hour earlier than last night's class so for sure I won't want dinner before class. Thinking ahead (boy this is becoming a habit!) I packed a vanilla yogurt to mix with a cup of blueberries, 1/2 cup of some kind of Kashi cereal, and a TBS of walnuts. I'm sorry I forgot to bring my apple/cheese/bread snack for the car after class - I'll be very hungry when I get home. I have to think this through so I don't go haywire when I walk through the door.

Yesterday I made (but did not eat) a crockpot chicken dish with stuffing and veggies. That might work, or maybe I'll stop in at Trader Joe's on the way home to pick something up. Morningstar (fake) riblets just flashed before my eyes!

Tomorrow I have my challenge as I am going out to lunch with mom. I'm watching Phantom Gourmet now (it's a restaurant review show that airs in the Boston area) to see if they come up with any lunch restaurants we haven't tried yet. Always on the lookout for something inexpensive that has good parking. (Mom has a walker and I really have to be able to pull up right at the door - harder when there's snow on the ground.)

Okay - so I was asked - what IS normal eating? LOL - still trying to figure it out. But, I'm realizing that normal (for me) eating does not mean free for all, or totally unplanned meals. I still need to think ahead and have some structure. I can have anything I want - just not all at once! I have an awareness of my fruit and vegetable servings (I never skimp on veggies but sometimes I might hit a day where I have 1 or no fruit) and my carb intake. But, not necessarily in terms of limiting it, just in terms of eating it. However, I am careful to pick whole grains and try to stay away from white flour and sugar - which lets out all the processed junk that I'm not eating anyway!

Haha - they are reviewing the place where mom and I go - Jim's Deli in Brighton. Old fashioned and oh so huge portions at a small price! Once all the snow is melted we'll head there again because there is only street parking and it's hard to find something close. They put this review show on just before lunch so I'm chomping at the bit to eat as soon as it's over. LOL They also reviewed The Fireplace in Brookline - we went there the night my daughter got her PhD from Harvard. They have a lunch menu too, but a little pricey for mom's lunch pocketbook. Oh my... now they are giving a gourmet recipe for grilled cheese. Can you say HEART ATTACK?????

Anyway - it's about lunchtime and I have a salad with grilled salmon waiting for me...

Samida

I didn't run away I promise

LOL. Enjoyed dinner last night. In the end it was NOT worth the money or the effort to go to a place I had been looking forward to. Just as well - kept my eating in check. It's sichuan place so I ordered some very spicy dishes which my family loves but I do not. Even the standard, chicken with cashewnuts was a bust, IMHO. So that takes care of that meal! Not that I didn't eat, and not that I didn't have a dish of left over lomein for lunch... but it's over and done with. Did I eat like a normal person? Jury's out on that but I didn't leave the table overstuffed, like I usually do, so that must be a sign!

When I got home from my classes this morning I got back in my nightgown and spent the entire day in bed. I just have been doing so much since my first day out of sling-prison, it finally caught up with me. After dozing off and on all afternoon I am now up and dressed (at 6:30PM) and will hit the grocery store in a while. We need coffee and cream for the morning. Goodness gracious, let's not have a Sunday morning without coffee and cream!

Just feeling sort of blah, so will keep this short. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Samida

Boy... if I ever needed a reason to eat....

If the problem isn't food, eating won't fix it. <---- My mantra.

I have a 94 year old mother still living on her own .... need I say more? lol

Woke up again very early - had ziti for breakfast at 5AM, and am just now (11:30) having my coffee and three of those wonderful biscotti cookies. I'll have chicken and veggies for lunch.

We are having Chinese food for dinner tonight (lunch with my brother and mother does not constitute not eating it again with the family) - but the real stuff... IF I want it I will let myself. Again, I have to put my fork down and really evaluate my fullness after one plate. I can always order something steamed with brown rice like I did yesterday, but we are already looking at a big bill to accommodate the rest of the family, so maybe not.

Trust... trust... trust... <--- My other new mantra! Tonight will be a big test. I promise not to run away from this blog tomorrow! lol

But - really, this is the whole point of eating this way. How DO normal people eat? What does it actually feel like to eat normally and not as a dieter?

Let go of my past story. It's not the wake that drives the boat. It is what is left behind as you go forward. <--- Third new mantra.

What does this all mean? In the past I would worry and wring my hands over having Chinese food for dinner (specifically while dieting). I would either (A) eat myself sick saying it's one meal - how often do I do it; (B) Be good about having one portion, but because I came from a space of denial rather than a space of allowing, I would eat the leftovers later or eat all around the leftovers and consume more food than anyone has a right to; or (C) Eat something else while the family was enjoying my dinner.

Letting go of my story, and not letting the wake drive the boat means (A) allowing myself to enjoy whatever I want; (B) don't deny anything I really want... BUT stop and assess whether I really want it or am hungry for it; and (C) not attaching any guilt to whatever it is that I've enjoyed. It also means that if I want, I can make a plate of leftovers (if there are any) and enjoy it another day for another meal. WHATTA CONCEPT! Deliberate leftovers!

I think that is one of the hardest things to get used to eating my new way. The understanding that we live in America with an abundance of foods and restaurants. Anything I eat one day and enjoy will totally be available to me another day. AND, if perchance it won't be (like it's an expensive restaurant and I really won't be going there again and no other place makes "it" the same way) - then that is what take out containers are for. I can even make a second order and bring it home with me to enjoy another time.

Denial and deprivation brings on hoarding. And what is overeating or bingeing but actually hoarding? How many of us have said (often) that when our homes are clean and uncluttered it is easier for us to follow a food plan? (Here I am raising my hand.) There is a calmness in the lack of clutter - I think there is a calmness in the lack of overeating. But when you feel you need more when you really don't, the insanity takes over. I love Niecey's (Clean House) saying: Let's get rid of this mayhem and foolishness (<---- another mantra! lol). Getting rid of the mayhem and foolishness of hoarding and cluttering brings a new serenity. I'm talking food or things... Okay so tonight, as I face an abundance of Chinese food (boy when we order out we order out!) I will rid myself of my prior mayhem and foolishness and see if the new serenity keeps me limited to just one plate without any feelings of deprivation or remorse. I'll let you know tomorrow!

Samida

Food Find! Food Find!

I have never EVER bought a food based on a sample tasting at a grocery store. That "record" has been broken. I sampled a wonderful biscotti-type cookie called Almondina and bought it on the spot. They were testing four different flavors but I loved the Cinnaroma the best. Not to run a full 60-second commercial, but they are made with whole grain flour, no cholesterol, no added salt, and have fiber as well as protein! I can't wait to find the ginger and pumpkin spice flavors. Personally I did not care for the chocolate cherry - mostly because I was dreaming of a hershey kiss and got cocoa powder! lol BUT, some of you might like that flavor - they also have a chocolate dipped which I did not try.

Today is lunch out with my brother and mom. There is a favorite Chinese restaurant that we are going to - they offer steamed veggies for an appetizer and steamed brown rice. They also have "heart-healthy" entree choices (steamed veggies with chicken or shrimp). I love their hot and sour soup, but other than that (probably laden with salt) the rest will be totally healthy and satisfying. It's a beautiful, clean, white tablecloth type of restaurant, so the whole experience is pleasant. My goal for lunch is to put my fork down between bites. It's so freeing to enjoy this meal and not have to worry about points or calories! Believe it or not, now that I am tuned into my body (or at least trying to be) I don't even want the other stuff... but I could have it if I wanted to!

Last night/this morning I had a very interesting experience. I got home from class and I was SO hungry. As I had ziti before going I had that ever-present spinach pie. Still hungry so I had a persimmon (I eat it like an apple - skin and all...you just have to make sure it's soft and ripe). I was a little "empty" when I went to bed. I awoke around 4:30AM and I was SO hungry and thirsty. I tried to go back to sleep but finally at about 5 I couldn't stand it anymore so officially got up and had a bowl of cut honeydew and a 1/2 piece of Fitness bread with a slice of FF cheese and a bottle of water. Once tummy was full I was able to fall back to sleep for a bit. Hungry again when I got up and had breakfast (that same weird banana/cheese sandwich I had yesterday).

The first new experience is actually TRULY being hungry. Not a hunger mask that is hiding boredom, frustration, anger, worry, etc. but REAL tummy hunger. The second new experience was giving myself permission to eat. And an actual meal - not just poking around the fridge. AND permission again to have breakfast as I usually do. Oh AND permission to have my wonderul Almondina cookies with a cup of tea when I got to work.

I am so tempted to get on the scale, but I don't want to be a slave to it. I know in my heart I am eating the way that promotes health and weight loss, and I don't want a number to decide for me how the rest of my day will go. I'm not saying that the scale isn't good feedback - it is. But, I'm one of these people who is ruled by it, so letting go of the daily, or even weekly, weigh-ins is another new thing for me.

Did I say yesterday that someone at work approached me and said that she can see in my face that I've lost weight? I don't know about clothes because since my surgery I have mostly
been wearing elastic waist pants and going bra-less with loose tops. I've only started wearing my real clothes! Now that I'm not in my sling I can go back to buttons and zippers and bras! So the face compliment will have to be my feedback for right now - I'll take it :).

For dinner I have turkey meatballs and marinara sauce (augmented with steamed swiss chard) in the crockpot. I might cook up some whole wheat spaghetti if I feel like it.

I am loving this "trusting myself concept." Try it!

Samida

Interesting development....

Greetings! Interesting development on my end. Last night before going to class I had only a small snack (small bowl of my lentil salad). I didn't want an entire dinner because it was still too early. I got home so hungry. Normally I would either eat my kitchen top to bottom, or, if I was wise enough to have a meal prepared, eat that and move on to the next thing. Instead, as I had nothing planned, but plenty of good food in the house, I got quiet for a moment and thought about what I would really really like.

I decided to have a piece of spinach pie. I thought that would be my downfall, but I managed to eat a small quantity, enjoying every bit of it, and then I was done. I ALSO had two bites of strudel (my husband was in a baking-with-filo-dough mood). Unbelievable. I took a bite out of the apple and decided it wasn't sweet enough to make it worth my while, then took a bite of the sour cherry and decided I didn't care for that at all. I took a look around the kitchen, closed the light and left for the evening. OMG this has never happened.

This morning I was in the mood for one of my unusual sandwiches: Whole wheat pita bread (we get the very thin large ones so I cut the loaf in half) wrapped with FF cheese, romaine lettuce, and a 1/2 of a banana. Weird I know - but oh so filling - and satisfying.

For lunch at work I packed a tri-part tupperware: in the two small portions I put butternut squash (nothing on it - not even salt - and it was delicious!) and poached salmon. In the large part I put the sweet and sour red cabbage that I made the other day (from the Ornish cookbook). I also packed some of my cabbage/beet soup and an apple. I'll be topping that off with some microwave popcorn.

For dinner I will have the ziti and a salad.

I'm beginning to think that this "eat what I feel like when I feel like it and how much I feel like" is actually going to work. Someone came into my office this morning that has not seen me since my surgery in December and did a quick double take. She said it looks like I have lost so much weight. I told her to tell me that again! lol

Signing off for today, but I may be back later!

Samida

New journey into recipes

Well - I tried something new today - I took one of my favorite WW recipes (chicken and ziti) but because I am not going to measure and weigh, I went against the core of my very being and just "went with it." Here is the recipe - extremely low fat, using whole grains - it's actually "simply filling or Core" if that's what you do follow:

One box of whole wheat penne. The recipe calls for 2 cups but in doing that I had about 1/3 of a cup left over in the box so I figured - what the heck - and I used it all! I boiled it for 9 minutes.
Then mixed it with:
1 cup of fat free ricotta
1 package of sliced mushrooms, sauteed
1 small handful of walnuts (leave out for SF/Core unless you measure)

In a separate pan I sauteed up a diced onion with 2 cloves of garlic
Then added 1 large can of crushed tomatoes with 1/2 tsp each oregano and basil and some ground black pepper
To this I added some left over diced chicken - I didn't measure it but you can
Simmered this all together for the time it took for the ziti to cook

Put 1/2 of the tomato mixture on the bottom of a baking pan, top with ziti mixture, then the rest of the tomato sauce.
Top with FF mozarella (if you use low fat, then count and measure if youi want)
A sprinkling of parmesian (optional) topped it all off

Bake about 1/2 hour in a 350 degree oven or until the cheese melts on top.

If you are counting and measuring, you only need to count the cheese, chicken and ziti.
If you are doing Core/SF then you don't have to count anything as long as you use FF dairy and whole wheat pasta.

Voila! A guilt-free family meal.

For breakfast this morning I had FF plain yogurt with plain mini-shredded wheat, 1/2 banana, 1 TBS chopped walnuts, and some splenda.

I think I will have the ziti for dinner and have some yummy cabbage soup that I made yesterday for lunch. (I made variations in both, but these cookbooks are the original sources.)

Anyway - I didn't intend for this to turn into a recipe site/journal, but I'm liking it (for now!). Hope this can help anyone who wants to explore "natural" eating.

Samida

Monday Monday

In an effort to really put effort into this blog here I am again today. I wanted to give some thoughts to what I wrote yesterday about "just" eating right. Yesterday's eating went well. It was low fat, low carb, and I had chicken at dinner - ate till I was full but not as much as usual. No bread, but some lovely purple potatoes. Those are hard to come by, and I buy them whenever I find them. I made a couple of lovely recipes from Dean Ornish's cookbook. I am thwacking myself in the head because I had that cookbook and got rid of it, and now have to take it out from the library. I may repurchase it if I find more than a dozen recipes that I want to keep. (Up to a dozen I will just write out on recipe cards.)

For today I have some challenges - most noteably my husband is making his wonderful spinach pie (the middle east version with filo dough). BUT, in my quest to NOT diet, I am going to have this. I can make a meal out of a couple of slices with salad. In my diet days I would either eat it and feel that I "blew" the entire day, and therefore pig out on eating more than I really wanted; or, I wouldn't eat it because there is no way to count and measure it. I mean my entire test today is that spinach pie!

My breakfast was a WW bagel with two slices of no-fat cheese, 1/2 a banana, and a cup of coffee.

I have such lovely produce in the house today - and I already made a sweet and sour red cabbage dish, I will make my lentil salad today (recipe on an earlier blog), cooked up butternut squash, and will make a chicken and ziti (whole wheat and non-fat ricotta) later as well. As I've said, it's a lot of food to have prepared, but I have to make it ahead so I have it for the week. This way it is easy to grab and go, and TOTALLY cuts out any need for take out meals during the week.

However, right now, at 11:19 AM I am still in my jammies (bad bad girl) so I won't get into gear until a bit later.

I am also starting a bit of extra movement. Even though I work up a sweat in my belly dance classes, and PT has me moving, these are baseline activities. I am going to pledge to use my recumbant bike today and maybe spend 5 minutes or so on the mini trampoline.

I have to find my link for the camera so I can upload some of these lucious dishes. They are beautiful to look at as well as to eat! :)

Have a great day~
Samida

Let go of your story

What would our (diet) lives be like if we let go of our personal stories? I talked about this a bit in an earlier blog about the fact that the wake is what is left behind - it is not what steers the ship. I can't speak for anyone else, but I have been stuck in diet limbo because of my personal story. I have played with the same 40 pounds for YEARS. My story is this:

I lose weight (mostly on WW excursions, but sometimes other routes).
I may lose up to 10 pounds.
I get cocky.
I guess I can do it "myself."
I gain back the 10 pounds.
I read all sorts of diet books and cook books.
I go back on some sort of diet (probably WW again).
I may lose up to 5 pounds.
I get cocky.
I guess I can do it "myself."
I gain back the 5 pounds.
I read all sorts of diet books and cook books.
ETCETERA

This is my story and I'm stickin' to it. Until now.

OMG - what if I don't have the history of puny losses with immediate gains? What if I don't have a history of needing other people to tell me how to eat, what to eat, how much to eat, when to eat. WAIT - that IS part of my story and I always gain the weight back. How about if I let go of the portion of the story that follows "I guess I can do it myself?" What if I write a new story?

What if this looks like my new story:

I am 57 years old and have been dieting since the age of about 8 years old.
However, unlike the past 45 years I don't follow diet plans, then fall off diet plans, then gain the weight back.
Instead, my NEW story is that I absolutely trust myself to know what to eat, in what portions to eat, and when to eat.
My NEW story has me making good choices and losing weight and keeping it off. OMG what a concept. What a new ending.
I never allowed myself this ending because I was so locked into the old story.

It's scary but at the same time exciting and exhilarating. I look back at my first post where I talk about eating "core-like." Even that doesn't have to be part of my story anymore. It gives too much of a feel of rules and dieting. I know what to eat to make my body feel its maximum best. That includes whole grains (including whole grain bread!), plenty of veggies and fruits, and lean proteins. It does not include packaged junk and eating till I'm stuffed. I know that. I don't need a diet from my old story to tell me that.

I have to suspend my beliefs that I must weigh and measure and journal in order to lose weight. I must suspend my beliefs that the only way to lose weight is to follow what others tell me to follow. I must suspend my beliefs that the only way to keep off weight that I have lost is to remain vigilant about every single bite that goes into my mouth.

My last post talked about faith. Letting go of my past story and stories requires a lot of faith. It also requires a knowing that if I tune into my body I will lose weight, get to a weight that is natural for me, and keep a weight that is natural for me. This does not mean that I am going to take a passive role in all this, saying that I can eat ANYTHING, eat ANY amount, etc. I am taking an active role in choosing healthy foods and eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am full. It also means indulgences - but in modest quantities - but not because a diet told me to limit them, but because I know now that my body does not react well to extreme indulgences. If anything, this way of life is harder than dieting. You have to rely on yourself to stop eating - not because you are done with your portion, or out of points or calories. So - don't get me wrong, I am not in ANY way saying this is easy or going to be easy. But who grows on easy stuff?

A journey of faith, suspended beliefs, and a knowing... a knowing that after 45 years of dieting I know which foods contain what nutritients, what quantities make my body feel good, and what quantities make it feel awful. I know what foods bring a smile to my face, and what foods I couldn't care less about. I know how to shop and cook. And, thank God, I live in an area where there are stores of such abundance of fresh produce, whole grains, and high quality protein. Thank God I have the resources to shop like that, and the wisdom to shop like that.

I'm planning on going out in a few minutes to top off my groceries with some free range, anti-biotic free chicken for dinner tonight - I did a huge produce shopping yesterday. It's going to be a snowy day tomorrow so I'm planning a lot of cooking to get me through the week. My classes have begun again and I am back to work full time. I do love the saying "If you fail to plan you plan to fail." As much as I am experiencing a new freedom here, I'm not eating on the fly - that would just be foolishness. (Or as Niecey says on Clean House: Mayhem and Foolishness...) If I am stocked with the healthy foods my family and I love I should be okay! I am going to keep the faith!

Samida

Let's keep it short

One of the reasons I tended not to blog as often as I would like is that I made each entry a soul searching look into my clockworks. I don't want to get away from that as it helps me, and it seems to be what sings to the people who are reading it, but I also want to lighten up just a bit, too. So I picked today to blog, as my time is limited, and I can't keep this window open for too long.

Well, first of all, maybe it's not going to be that short afterall. Now that I think of it. I wanted to talk today about having faith and hope. Michaelangelo once wrote that the problem we humans face is not that we have hopes that are too high and we don't reach them, but that we have have hopes that are too low and we do. I'm going through a few things right now that would normally tend to trigger some very serious emotional eating. Normally I would have the low hopes and reach them (well as long as I don't eat ALL that I'm okay). Now I've set my hopes and standards higher. Last night I was going through some particularly dark thoughts but I wasn't turning to food. A lot of things came up that startled me - had I turned to food as I usually do I would have diverted those thoughts by eating then further diverted them by beating myself up because I ate too much. It was quite an experience to just sit quietly with the emotions and thoughts and see where they would go. A very new - and scary - experience. I went into the evening setting my hopes high that I wouldn't run to the kitchen past having dinner. I am happy to report that I met those hopes. Had I set them lower - I would have met those too.

And what is faith? Faith is the song the songbird sings before the dawn. I don't know where that comes from, but it is so perfect (I am sure I heard it in a Wayne Dyer lecture, I just can't put my finger on it). This has nothing to do with religion or anything like that. It's just having simple faith that the sun will come up, that one foot in front of the other will take you forward, or that the force that beats your heart beats mine. That step of faith also helps get through emotional eating. One of my favorite sayings is: If the problem isn't hunger, food won't fix it. I had to have faith last night that facing what was bothering me was the better road to take than drowning my sorrows in food. I also had to have faith that things will work out and no amount of eating will change the results, except, of course, make me fatter when I face it next time.

So I think that unearthing the concepts of hope and faith are wonderful tools to conquer emotionally charged eating. I am happy to report that around 3AM I realized that I was truly hungry, but somehow got myself to sleep without eating. I was ravenous at breakfast - and feeling much better too. Problems still there and I didn't have to add beating myself up to the list.

Keep the faith!
Samida

Oh my gosh - what a difference a day makes

.... or a month or two! I just came back to my blog and saw that I did not post since October. A lot has happened - including rotator cuff surgery. Right now my recovery is passive aggressive (lol): when I go to physical therapy I just lay there while my arm is stretched beyond belief, working on range of motion. I haven't graduated to actually doing anything myself, like working with weights and pulleys. But, hopefully that will start this week. (Boy, and I thought my knees were my problem!) I'm looking forward to driving this week but alas, that signals the end of my glorious month and half at home. I don't know... call me lazy but I did NOT tire of watching Law & Order reruns 24/7. I really wasn't allowed to do much other movement... my therapist put the nix on the rebounder and the bike or treadmill. At one point she did okay short slow walks but that's when the snow hit, and then she put the kibash on that too. Oh well... what's a fat girl to do?

The first 3-4 weeks my husband, bless his heart, did all the cooking - and, to his credit, made everything healthy. However, he was so happy to take care of me that he made 2-3 meals per meal. Example: One Friday night: Shish kebab, kafta, seafood scampi, lentil stew, hommos & babaghanoush, green salad and grilled potatoes and onions. ALL on the table. ALL at once. Let's just say that the 10 or so pounds I've gained was not from quality it was from quantity. Last week I felt well enough to make my own grocery list and plan a couple of recipes. And the other day I had my son drop me off and I actually did the grocery shopping myself. My husband and son shopped whatever I asked them to and cooked whatever I asked them to, but I missed the personal involvment in my own food preparation. Call me crazy again... but I LOVE grocery shopping! Once in a while I get sick of planning and preparation, but for the most part, what can I say... I love the kitchen - in all its aspects!

I'm hoping (but sad) to go to work a couple of days this coming week - that will at least get me out of the house and away from the kitchen for more than the one hour per day I go to physical therapy. I have also started my belly dance classes (hey - nothing wrong with my hips!) and that has introduced some activity back into my days. Once I am driving, back to work on a regular schedule, and have a set PT schedule I can look into adding other things to my day. I'm thinking of rejoining the FitRec center where I work to at least use the treadmill or bike and the hot tub, and work on some of the aquatherapy on my own. Not being 5 giant steps from the kitchen all day will help too.

Boy - how hopeful and happy I was in October. How far the mighty (happy) have fallen...

I look forward to restarting this blog as well.

Thanks for sticking by!