Awareness

A group of us at DWLZ have started a book club to discuss the book I mentioned in my prior post by Joyce Meyer. We haven't even gotten through the foreword and introduction yet, and already I have noticed some major changes in things that have been plaguing me for years. The questions that were pertinent for me were: How valuable are you? When putting our mind and heart on the past instead of the future, what is the result? When is looking to the past valuable? What stands in your way of taking care of yourself NOW? What is your personal story? What are your choices in how you present yourself?

I already shared with you some of my personal history. What I didn't share was that I also was the subject of verbal abuse which left me with a poor self-image and feeling of not being valuable or worthwhile. I took a lot of solace in night-time eating after everyone had gone to bed. I think there were a lot of reasons for that - that I wasn't worthy enough to enjoy something in front of everyone, at the time it was served; sneaked food provided comfort and solace - it was something I was in control of, as opposed to not having control with what I was apportioned while people were watching and other people were serving; it relieved the stress and anxiety of the day; maybe it even made me feel a little naughty since I was allowed no slack during the day. I am sure there are other and many reasons. But, when I put this into writing, something clicked. In the one week I have started peeling the layers off the onions in my life, my night-time eating has all but ceased. The other night I was actually hungry, but the thought of going into the kitchen and getting something didn't resonate with me so I didn't. As they say about a switch: once you turn it on and there is light, there is light - no matter how little. And it's a start.

With regard to spending too much time looking in the past, I believe this has gotten in my way of finding the way I can successfully lose weight. I think that I get hung up on: “I’ve dieted in the past and it hasn’t helped.” (Well yes it has, I have lost weight, but never kept it off.) I think if I keep saying to myself “this will never work,” “this will be the same as it always has been,” “I’m doomed not to lose weight,” “I’m doomed to not keep off what little I have taken off,” then I will never move forward. We all know the sayings: “If you do what you’ve always done you’ll get what you always got.” “Doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.”

If this is the case, then why do people (most notably those who have followed WW - any of their programs - or who have calorie counted) return to the same ways and expect different results? Maybe the results were what we wanted (a weight loss) but obviously the LONG term results are not what we want for ourselves – otherwise we wouldn’t be here right now looking for a new answer. Maybe the answer lies not so much in the program we are following, but in HOW we follow the program. I think that’s where it can be valuable to look to the past – to see what has worked – but it is NOT valuable to think that is all that is needed… obviously it isn’t. So far, with my new awareness, I have been able to shape a new eating plan for myself. I have been successful - but we are just talking a few weeks here... not the lifetime that has already passed or the lifetime that is ahead of me. My goal is to be totally open to adjustments as I go along, and not to dig my heels into the quicksand of "I'm sticking with this no matter what!" We all have to remember that it's not the wake that drives the boat - that is what is left behind as we go forward. Also - if you drive looking in the rearview mirror you really won't get too far - plus you'll have a lot of accidents! I choose RIGHT NOW to look forward and take the curves and turns based on what I see before me. I will not apologize for any turns or twists I make in my "program." I will forge ahead.

In looking at the question of what is standing in the way of taking care of myself NOW, the only answers have been excuses, plain and simple. "I'm busy," "I'm frustrated," "My knees hurt," "My shoulders hurt," "I don't wanna..." BUT then I looked at the question: "What are your choices in how you present yourself?" and everything - I mean everything - changed. I got a new hairdo last week (my husband is still traumatized) and it makes me feel lighter and younger and there's a spring in my step that wasn't there the week before. It takes all of 5 minutes to use a curling iron to give it bounce (as opposed to the 30 seconds it took to pull it back in a ponytail) and once my hair is done I feel like dressing nicely, and just putting it all together. Then, because I look nice, and feel great, it seems as though I have just more general awareness of what I am eating, how I am eating, and the quantity I am eating. Also - does the food taste good? Is it what I really want? Once I was happier with the way I presented myself to the world (or even just to myself!) these other things seemed to matter more too.

This has just been an incredibly fruitful week. For a long time I was thinking that I should seek out the help of a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. I could not understand why I keep doing the same things over and over again, even though I know they don't get me anywhere. I couldn't understand why I was standing in my own way? This past week of reading and deep introspection, I think, has hurdled me forward in my journey more than months of therapy might (or might not) have done. So my advice to you is this: Be honest with yourself; do some deep soul searching and introspection; peel the layers off the onion and be brutally honest with your childhood memories. For many of you it will just be that you've gotten careless with your eating over the years, or aren't fully aware of nutrition facts, or that you have let your life get so "crazy" that there is no time for home cooked meals or exercise. But I think for many more, it's the deeper issue - where it's not about the food - where you love the food and refuse to understand that it does not love you back. There as many "issues" as there are people - be honest with yourself and find out what yours is. And, when you get to it - don't believe it for a minute - go deeper... you'll find it!

What keeps us keeping on?

I've mentioned that I have a nice group of cyberfriends on the DWLZ message boards. Yesterday's discussion was about stalled weight loss and why we get in our own way - especially when we have been successfully on the path downward. The discussion went from waiting for the "big moment" when everything clicks, to the concept of "little moments" with the small choices we make every day, day in and day out. I've already talked about secondary gain - and how sometimes being overweight shields us from having to face what being thin will do to us. I have very concrete things that being fat shields me from and I did share some of those. However, sometimes it's not shielding, it just maintaining the comfort level.

I think both are at work on me. With regard to comfort level - my weight does not keep me from doing anything I want to do: I'm the first one jumping in the pool, I have a husband who (after 30 years) is still thrilled to see me walk in a room, I've been in 5K races, my blood work is within normal range, I have extremely glam clothing, and I'm a professional belly dancer for goodness sake! Why on earth would I move from the comfort of all this, along with the comfort of eating what I want and the comfort of not exercising, to the WORK of a lifestyle change that means monitoring what I eat and actually doing real exercise?

To tell you the truth I'm not sure myself sometimes. I would like to LOOK better, but vanity just really doesn't do it for me. I think my reason for wanting to lose weight lies in the medical reasons. My blood work, as I said, is normal but there is very little wiggle room, and that does scare me. You can't take back diabetes. Once you have it you always have it. You can control it but you have it. I have an aunt who died from complications of diabetes, and the shame of it is that this IS something you do to yourself (Type II) - why would you take something as perfect as the human body and destroy it like that? I had a cardiac cath procedure last summer as the doctor was afraid I had a heart attack (it wasn't - it was heart damage which the cardiologist thought was caused by a virus) and my arteries were clear. I've also had other arterial screening done over the years and it has always come back clean. BUT, it takes a statin to keep my cholesterol in check and my triglycerides are high (although hundreds of points lower than they were years ago). I would like to maintain a healthy cholesterol without the statin, which potentially could introduce a whole range of problems itself. I have severe osteoarthritis in my knees, and once in a while there is a twinge in my hip. Gee whiz - do you think I ought to lose weight even though I have glam clothes and don't cower at the sight of a bathingsuit?

Maybe as I do lose weight, vanity will take it's rightful place in the equation. However, the favorite quote "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" never resonated with me. I've never been thin so what the heck do I know? I know that cheesecake DOES taste good. A sizzling steak with ALL the fat in tact DOES taste good. A bowl of Thanksgiving stuffing with a side of mashed potatoes DOES taste good. Who are we kidding? But this lifestyle change, being "Core-like," doesn't have to be the fight of our lives. So does lentil salad, and spinach casserole, and grilled seafood, and fresh salad taste good. So does garden vegetable soup, and sauteed spinach with garlic and onions, and eggplant parmesian made with fat-free cheeses and sauce, taste good.

I think that if we dig our heels in and FIGHT, instead of going with the flow, that we are only digging our heels into quicksand. From How Stuff Works: "With quicksand, the more you struggle in the faster you will sink. If you just relax, your body will float in it because your body is less dense than the quicksand...If you step into quicksand, it won't suck you down. However, your movements will cause you to dig yourself deeper into it." From what I have observed, the dieters who are fighting and struggling with this whole staying-on-program: "food is fuel - nothing else" sort of outlook are doomed to sink. They may be successful in losing weight - I am not knocking sticking to a diet program at all; but I think at some point, the fight goes out of them or they become so trapped in the diet, that they can't go with the flow when life demands it. (PLEASE keep in mind that I am just using an "editorial they" - I am talking absolutely from my OWN experience.)

As a matter of fact, within my "Core-like" eating, still lies a program. I am NOT eating a 2-pound steak with fat attached, the garlic mashed potatoes with REAL butter, fresh French bread - also with butter, salad with REAL dressing, and a full dessert to top it off. My program is to eat "normal" portions, cut out fat, sugar, processed flour and foods, etc. My program does NOT include cutting out food that I like. It does NOT include fighting to stay within terribly strict limits and totally doing without. It DOES mean adjustments - substituting foods that are not as horrible for my body for things that are unhealthy. It DOES mean watching portions. It DOES mean totally enjoying everything that goes into my mouth, and enjoying it with family and friends. Having said all that, I will also NOT cut out foods entirely - there is room for a piece of birthday cake, fudge on the boardwalk, ice cream at the beach, chips on the side. Just it's the end of stealthily finishing up the birthday cake that was already put in the freezer, eating a whole pound of fudge (who can do that, you say? look no further than the author of this blog), eating a half gallon of ice cream (ditto), or eating a whole large bag of chips in one night's TV viewing.

One of my DWLZ friends yesterday quoted from Acedia & Me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life by Kathleen Norris, when we were talking about starting over every day if we have to. "Abba Moses asked Abba Sylvanus, 'Can a man lay a new foundation every day?' The old man said, 'If he works hard, he can lay a new foundation at every moment.' " I think there are no truer words than this, especially when you are ready to give up on your eating plan.

When I teach my students I always take tremendous pride in the fact that I do not produce cookie-cutter dancers. There used to be a teacher in NYC and when we saw his dancers dance we always said "Oh, there's another Bobby-girl" because she had a different body, face, and costume, but it might as well have been their teacher dancing. I tell my students: "What I am giving you here with these lessons is a strong solid foundation. Once you have the foundation built, and the walls up, you can pick your own furniture, your own floor coverings, your own paint and wallpaper; you can pick your own kitchen appliances, what you cook and when you eat. But you can have none of that if the foundation cracks or sinks into the ground."

I am challenging you, if you are fighting or struggling, to lay a new foundation at this very moment. You can wallpaper it with Points or Filling Foods, or Calorie Counting, or Grazing, or Plate Division, or any other sensible eating program out there. But you won't have walls without cracks if you don't work on your foundation. Take a look now into your secondary gains, into your comfort zones, into what will work for your family, into what can be done to make this convenient and fun, into what are good solid reasons for you to lose weight, into whether you can do your program for the long term (not necessarily for life - we all change and need eating programs that change with us), etc. Make your pro and con list. See what your budget and time will allow. Lay your foundation - every minute of every day, by eating with awareness and not mindlessly reaching for food. When you go to reach for that food, stop and reflect: Is it really hunger, or am I avoiding something else? If your family won't make changes with you (regardless of your crafty and sly substitutions) make your own meals as often as possible.

So, what I got from yesterday's discussion is exactly this: Everyone's foundation is different. Some of us are building on quicksand. Some have solid foundations. Some of us will never move as long as we live. Some of us like where we are but like to change the furniture around a lot. Some of us live in large houses, and some of us live in tiny houses. Some of us live in mass-produced housing, some live in hand-made log houses. I think the point is that we each do what works for us and what is pleasant for us. However, when the house no longer works for us (too confining or too big), is no longer pleasant (can't stand that furniture and wallpaper any longer), or there are cracks in the walls and foundation then, by golly, it might be time to actually go house hunting instead of sinking more money and time into the house you do have. Of course, it could just be that a few repairs and rearranging will take care of everything. You are the only one who knows that. But, be honest and take stock. Move or repair? It's up to you!

p.s. I rearrange my furniture A LOT!!!!!!! You will get to know that from me by my blogging and posts at DWLZ - I never give up trying to find just the right "look."

p.p.s. Does anyone who uses blogspot know how I can put recipes in the margins instead of as part of the regular post? Thanks!

Back from Staycation!

Hello everyone! Boy did I miss blogging - all these thoughts swirling around my head, no outlet for them... Hope I can retrieve at least a few! Let's just say that many things we (my family and I) do are food related, and this week was no exception. We have friends who come visit every summer, and the visit starts months earlier with planning the menu -- not what we are going to do, but what we are going to eat! This year was the healthier one of our visits - with plenty of fresh fruit, salads, and all sorts of wonderful vegetarian options throughout the day (to make up for all the steak, lobsters and other seafood that we were consuming at dinner). No sooner did company leave than hubby and I took a day trip which, of course included a picnic then lobster later in the day at our favorite place in Rockport (MA). Then the next day, no sooner did I say goodbye to hubby for him to leave to go to back to his first evening of work, than I headed out the door by myself to have dinner with friends! My goodness... however shall I lose weight? Rest assured, though, I did no damage! I had my wits about me and ate within reason.

Well - in the midst of all this visiting and eating and visiting and eating, I picked up a marvelous book. If you've read my earlier entries you know that I have a penchant for self-help books and "diet" books, so when I tell you this maybe is the most helpful one I have ever read, you will understand the depth of my appreciation of it. (And, by the way, I make no apologies - I will NOT give up on myself!) The author is Joyce Meyer. The title is: "Look Great Feel Great: 12 Keys to Enjoying a Healthy Life Now." The disclaimer is that Joyce is a minister so there are some scripture references in the book. I am not of a Christian religion and I did not find them offensive or overwhelming at all.As a matter of fact, in many cases, they enhanced what she was saying - look at all the sayings we have that actually do come from scripture - so they aren't out of place regardless of your beliefs (or non-beliefs). Keys include: Learning to Love Your Body, Balanced Eating, Mindful Eating, De-Stress, and Take Responsibility. Even the introduction is loaded with worthwhile information and a lot of things to think about in relation to your own life. What I like about this book is that it ties so beautifully into my last posting which was all about taking action. With the keys are specific examples and suggestions to take action - not just to THINK about taking action.

I jumped around throughout the book then started back at the beginning (and plan to re-read it again with a highlighter in hand). Right now I am working my way through "De-Stress" and it really is making me examine my life and howthis particular key relates to my overeating. Well, since the chapter is "De-Stress" I have to say that I am not WORKING my way through it, I am FROLICKING my way through it (as you can see above!). I make myself busy every minute of every day. I make myself stressed. I make myself crazy with activity. I make myself fat. I mean, forget the whole cortesol and adrenaline connection to staying fat (and OMG Joyce has the best explanation that I have EVER read) - I keep myself too busy to allow myself to do mindful eating and too busy to enjoy every bite. So my action for this step is that I took time each and every day last week - admist the chaos of visitors, meals, traveling, etc. - to take time for myself. I either read, or as in the case of today - actually took a nap, which thwarted the usual tendency to eat as soon as I walk in the door from work. I also spent time going through some recipes (which is not new action) but I made them - which is new - not that I am not cooking all the time, but I don't often take the time to try new things or go back to some old favorites.

Speaking of recipes - I wanted to start to add them to this blog. I haven't quite figured out how to post things in the margins rather than the main blog, so to start out I will put this one right here: Lentil Salad: no measuring, no specific recipe, but here is what I do:

Take a medium-sized sauce pan. Pour in lentils. (I don't know how much - maybe a one-pound package or 3 or 4 handfuls if you have them bulk?). Add chopped onions and garlic. (I don't know how much - lol!). Cover with water and bring to boil, then cover pan and reduce heat until the water is absorbed. The lentils will still have a bit of a "bite" to them - resist adding more water (I did that and had to turn the whole thing into lentil soup instead). While they are cooking then cooling, chop up a "mess" of crunchy vegetables. I use carrots, celery, peppers (all colors), radishes, and scallions to start. If you can think of anything else crunchy be my guest. When the lentils have cooled (take them out of the pan and spread them on a flat plate to speed the process, or just keep stirring them to bring up the hot ones from the bottom) put them and the veggies into a big bowl to toss. I usually toss with olive oil and vinegar (balsamic doesn't work here - use a red or white vinegar for this) but yesterday I tossed with a lite Italian dressing and it was wonderful. Oh! and if you feel like it, add a cup or two of brown rice. We served that several ways this week: on romaine lettuce leaves - so you just had to pick up the leave and eat it that way; plain; and today I put it on a green salad - I just added a touch more vinegar and tossed for a complete meal.

So - what does lentil salad have to do with anything? I was listening to one of my favorite speakers (Wayne Dyer) and he was talking about organized religion. He was saying, don't be a Christian- be Christ-like. Don't be Buddist - be Buddha-like. Don't be Moslem - be Mohammed-like. And what does THAT have to do with lentil salad? I've returned to following Core for several weeks now, and I've come to the conclusion that I don't want necessarily to be a "Corer," I want to be Core-like. It means that I want to eat healthy and natural. It means I want to honor my hunger and fullness. It means I want to watch my portion sizes, and not eat everything on my plate if I am not hungry for it, but go for seconds if I am (real hunger - not the emotional "I need another Ring-Ding" hunger). It means I want to eat a little, then assess if I am still tasting the food or am still hungry for it. It means not eating what does not really taste good (can't believe I threw out an ear of corn the other day because it wasn't sweet).

That's all being a "Corer" but what is Core-like? It means doing all that AND not obsessing over a departure from the Core list of foods. Last night we had a salad that was tossed with walnuts, raisins, and full-fat feta cheese. I didn't take aside my portion before dressing it that way for the table; I did not knock off 3 or 4 flex points in case that's how much I ate. I enjoyed the salad - my portion of it - raisins and walnuts and feta cheese and all! I probably ate half as much last night (of the salad and of everything being served) because I honored my hunger and appetite (appetite is not a dirty word, by the way) and was satisfied with just small portions of everything, and no seconds of anything.

So - even though it so happens the lentil salad IS core, I am using it for a point because I enjoy cooking without necessarily measuring everything (or if I do measure, I like not figuring out every single point). If I had tossed it with oil instead of the low calorie dressing, I would not have felt an obsessive need to measure the oil then take that big bowl of salad (which is a different size each time I make it) figure out how much it was, divide it by servings, then take exactly one serving so that I could make sure I was not consuming more than 2 tsps of "free" oil. Get my point? I think if you are new to dieting, or REALLY off the deep end, then you have to disregard everything I've said. But for someone like me - who has been dieting for so many years (by my math it's been 40 years since my first WW meeting, and I started dieting years before that), could write her own diet book, and is sick of it all, that being Core-like might just work.

But you have to trust yourself. I'm learning now to trust myself. I am someone who has not been eating mindfully, has been making poor choices, and who has brought so much stress into her life that there has been no time to make me a priority. Isn't that so much kinder than saying I am lazy or stupid or addicted? I think being kind to myself and having patience to learn new (but not so new - they are right under the surface) ways of eating and looking at food is the way to go here. Welcome to my journey!

On Vacation :O)

Hello everyone - I just wanted to let you know that I'm not another crash-and-burn blogger! I am just not going to be able to give this the attention it deserves over the next couple of weeks. If I can gather some coherent thoughts and find some computer time I will post. I will probably not be updating this until the week of August 17th.
Thank you all for checking in!
Samida